an unchanged.

I stay awake in the midnight, can't sleep. and, can't stop thinking about you. can't refusing my heart that you're too deep to dwell inside me. after one year and 2 months we had been through together, I only regret what I did in your last day. I didn't even say anything to you, give any supports, or just visit you for once. how bad I am, right? trying to convince myself that I have forgot you is my biggest lie. in every time I see people kissing, I remember you when your lips touch mine tenderly. in every hard time, I imagine how your fingers fit to mine to support me and lift me up. in every happy time, I miss your tight hug. I am madly missing you, yes I am. only if I can turn back the time when I, at least, can make you live longer like you ever told me, I will do it. I'm not good enough to be with you, not even better to lighten your life. I just can disappoint you.
how do I miss you, dear. I want your smile back to me. I want your hugs. I want you kiss me on my forehead. I want to hear your voice. I want your messages. I want our sweet kissing. I want your hands fill my emptiness. I want your heart. I love you. really really love you, from my deepest heart.
you never come back anymore. you never can be mine. you are too far.
I dreamt about your for many times. when I wake up, I check my phones. hope there will be messages from you as you always do to me. I can't sleep well, I used to text you and you would accompany me until I fell asleep. I used to tell you if I already woke up. I stay away from fights because I remember how I can lose my control when I get mad especially when we were fighting. I change my bad attitudes only to make you comfort with me. I miss hearing your voices every day, when I could not focus, you calmed me down. I will always remember that day when I called you after we broke up and you still called me "baby" while you tried to calm me down because of my brother's kidnapping day. I rarely want to look someone in the eyes like I did to you, I only want to see your beautiful eyes sharpen on my eyes deeply. I still save the necklace we had together and a your initial name phone accessories. do you do the same? I'm envy to see happy couples. I'm afraid of loving, you are the only one I love until now or forever.
you left me with much pains, but I do love it because it gains more memories with you. I can't never forget when you told me honestly that you ever tried to approach a girl while we postponed our relationship. you tried to hold her hands. I cried out loud, it was just the most painful time even though you said you only tried to make sure yourself that I could be replaced. I also can't forget one time when you wanted me to meet you after a short decision to break up. I met you, only you and I. we spent our quality time together, I remembered how you said that you could not let me go. you hold me hand tightly. we did our sweetest kissing in our life, we make it. our greatest day that made us stronger to stand for our relationship. I was sorry for hurting your lip when I kissed you, I was too jealous to hear about your action to that girl. I did not want you belong to another girl except me, and only me. you ever said that you believed we would be together until the last time of our life, grow old together as a sweet couple. you kept supporting me, warn me if I did a mistake even to my parent who did not accept our relationship. I can't never forget when you told me to close my eyes if I miss you. honestly, I still do that thing and it's successful to always bring me back to our memories we have ever had together.
I give all I have to you. we already discussed about our future life, we planned for it. I just can stop smiling when you called me with love, sweetheart, baby, and the most important is, jelek. your special name to me :)

now, you are already gone. forever. I only can hope you are happy with your life when I'm not around. you always know that my heart still belongs to you. I wish I could have one chance to experience my life with you again. feel your love, hold my hands, tighten your hug, and meet your lips on mine. just wishing that is really impossible. sometimes, I really want to meet you and prove your words that you don't love me anymore by kissing your lips because you never can lie to me when we are kissing, even only a small lie. you never can be replaced by anyone in this world, my first love.
and been 3 months, dear.


I love you, M.
:)

another heart's problem.

I should bravely say that I haven't moved on yet. such only doing a stupid thing which makes me get back to the same positions, same spot. I've tried, but I only got nothing.
you're just a part of my little pieces bittersweet memories. you're only my past.
why I'd be better when I don't meet anyone who looks a like with you. can You give me some clues or signs, God? I'm kinda tired of this situation. I just can't stand up anymore.
meeting a boy who is really same with his attitudes, his face, his hair, his action - reaction, and his smile.
meeting a boy who is really same with his name, his hobby, his anger, and his position on football game.
meeting a boy who is really same with his eyes, his jobs, his ignorance, and his kindness.
what a life! 2 months lately is being such a super month for me.