the differences, 'bestfriends'

i have posted about 'bestfriends' yet on last may. then, it continued until today. and i still close my mouth to not throw rude words off in front of y'all. you know what? i never wanna hurt my bestfriends, never. that's what i do to you previously. i try to understand you, always try to concede for your selfishness, try to be a good best friend, and always always try to be beside you whenever you need me
now, i'm done for all of those suck things. there's no take and give between me, you, and you.
first, you just look for me when you need someone to talk. find me when there's no friend you can invite to go to. remember me when you were in sadness.
second, you never look for me when you're having fun with your friends. if another 'bestfriend' didn't ask you to hang out together, you will not care about your old 'bestfriends'. and even you didn't pay attention for the information i have told you, you asked me again innocently.
the last, i ever try to talk about it kindly sincerely. but before my words exit from my lip, i have lost my mood to talk about it. i thought it's nonsense to be talked between us because it will make an issue and fight. i know your character and i also know talk about it never finish our problem, just make a new one. so, what i have to do? so sorry, i'm too tired to pay attention of you
it's not my fault why i do this to you, you guys should take an introspection to yourself. instead of judging me that i don't want hanging out with you again. should i tell you? i thought i shouldn't, you're getting older. it means you can consider what you have done good or bad. and me, never wanna take my attention to you again. believe or not. i'm too hurt to have a communication with you.

everything changes, you decided to change and so did me. if you wanna overwhelm any faults to me, you have to see the mirror and take a reflection with what you have done lately to our friendSHIT, 'bestfriends'

home.

today is the last day of june. tomorrow will be the first day on july. time flies so fast, i'm counting my days before i have to move to a dorm, august soon. maybe i just have one month more at home everyday, eat my mom's cooks everyday, sleep on my comfort bed every night, enjoy my quality time with my dad mom brother, become a spoiled girl in my home, watch tv beside my family, fad my family, be managed by my mom and dad, etc.
too much to be my consequences when i leave my home for my college life. i still can go back to my home, just one time in every week but it can't repay how much time i have wasted with them. i just have a little excited to face the truth that i have to leave my home. i hope when i'm in there, i will get new friends that can be my second home for me. just to change my family position for a while before i go back to home. 5 months, yeah, it feels brief but for me, it feels so long. i'm gonna miss my home actually
and now, i have a lil' bit desire to go out from my home. a lil' bit laziness. i wanna spend my time at home with my family :)

it's done.

you flew off with the wings of my heart and left me flightless

~Stelle Atwater

the consequence of love is when love broke, it just have to be tough to leave it behind and start for a new chapter. definitely feel so hard while the process of leaving but when it have passed, love can be seen with another side. make it better if get a new one, experience makes
i'm in the process of leaving. i'm in the one of my test part to be better. and i'm trying to be willing let him go from my life because we're not meant to be together at all after almost  two years struggling to be accepted. too hurt to be true anyway. i'm in the middle of pressure. my family hit me to be on their side, close their eyes about him. and he hit me to be on his side, close his eyes about my family. then, which side i have to choose? i tried to be neutral, didn't take sides between one of them but once again i have to choose. i remembered when i told about these to my friend, he said implicitly to choose my family because family is the only one who will be by my side in every moment i got. i realized about it and thanks friend!
even hard and full of tears, i still try to let him go. somehow when i want to fix, there will always be a fight between him and i. so, it has to be marks that we have to be apart not together. i want everything fine, my family accepted me and he still by my side. but it's so selfish, isn't it? i already chose which side i belong to and i have to commit with that. i knew, inside my deepest heart i have made a true choice (maybe). still got a doubt about it. i tired to struggle about this
and finally, it's done

good bye, girl ♥

we're gonna miss you :)

L-ing

just a title of a novel i have read today but it insinuated me about something i have done yet so far. some cases, there was a same between me and the personage in this thing was about Ava Torino. same in falling in love with, guy with a killing disease. but the difference was the response. she never thought to give up and still accompany him even when the death pick him up, she was not beside him. but me? i think to give up because of those tiredness that would kill me softly. i still have to struggle in condition that my family was not accepted my relationship. especially when my mom take my ring from M over me and never give it back to me because she didn't like i wore those ring (my dad also told these). that's my right HELLO? okay, i don't wanna talk about this again. it made my wound opened again. anw, those L novel taught me about something was to not wasting you time with someone who you were not falling in love with or someone who never take your love also your soul from your body to give him only. being single before get the real soul-mate is better than pretending to love someone. thanks L, you made me realized something i still confuse with :)

give up?

one year more i have waited to be accepted by my family about him. one year more i still struggle with all of those things. pretended everything would be fine but inside i knew it would be worse. sometimes, i thought to leave him. it's better maybe because i don't have to hurt anybody especially my dad, my mom, and your family. i sacrificed my own self-interest, my feeling to him. i realize everything will change, it prevailed too with you me us. but it just too hard, very very very hard to make it happen. to leave you. to go from his life. it should be better if i stay with him, together as a couple of life's partner. i knew if i still with him, i will hurt my family.
i got my own pressure from two side, my family and him. both of them were very important for me. i couldn't choose one of them to be prioritized. i have no energy to be patient. i wanted everything fine, walked in peaceness. am i wrong? i told my best friend today about my tiredness. and i felt so tired. she knew about it. i always told about him to her. i just wanted to share something i couldn't hold it alone.
now, should i give up?