insomnia.

uda sminggu ini jam tidur gw gak kruan. brantakan bgdd gilaaaa. tidur antara jem 2 mpe jam 4, paling cepet stgh 2, itu juga gr2 sharian gw cape.

bangun siangg bgd. paling lama sih jem 2 siang. cuma pas tadi gw bgn jem 8 gr2 mau pgi dan itu.. NGANTUGnya SUPERRR.

gak tau knp, insomnia gw slalu kambuh tyap kali liburan, blom lagi tyap hari klayapan mpe enyak gw ngoceh di rumah. ahaha

trus trus. kmrnan ini, gw smpet (lagi lagi) meneteskan apa yg seharusnya gak gw kluarkan. :P

yeahh, bukannya nyalahin syapapun sih, malah gw ngrasa diri gw yg gak kuat dan gak bijak buat ngadepin ini. masalah yg sama dan lagi lagi terulang untuk kesekian kalinya.

lusa uda mau skolah, mampus aje klo insom gw masih kambuh. bisa2 gak skolah gw a.k.a ktduran di klas. :)

consequence for love.

i'm a type of girl that :

easy to like someone,

lil' bit hard to care someone,

and so hard to love someone perfectly.

like i do now. even i have a relationship with a boy for a while.

i still remember about a boy who left me a lot of memories. it's too hard to forget.

in my whole life, i never feel this. a deepest love.

and i have made a decision that i'll never want to get a relationship till i can forget him.

i don't want to hurt people again. it's enough.

reuniannn

wow wow wow. ahahaha

REUNI SD BINA KUSUMA angkatan 2oo3 / 2oo4.

uda lama banget gak ktmu, 5 taon ada kali. apalagi ma anak-anak yang pisah skolah dari SMP.

prtm ngumpul di sour sally, trus ke XXI (ada yang nonton knowing), trus makan di gokana.

.: attenders :.

(if i remembered well)

aryo, marcia, me, gracia, suryadi

steffi jeanes, richard, atus, albert, yogi, okky, ingrid

christa, angela irawan, elisa, kevin a.k.a babe, sisca

stephanie, kenny, antonio, phebe, debby,

lenny, novita, andrew, adrian travin, sylvia, nadia

igna, aldwin

moga-moga reuni yang kedua tambah banyak yang dateng. ^^

second reunion:

P.I.C : BABEE [!]

yeehaa [!]

blakangan ini hari gw brasa enak, enteng aja di jalanin. yeahh, even masih ada aje masalah, tapi itu byasa lah yaa. ahaha

kjadian prtm,,

gw ktmu lagi ma orang yg uda bbrp taon hilang dari peredaran kehidupan persahabatan gw. gak tau knp hepi aja, keq ktmu tmn lama. dy bdaaa bgd skrg, di banding jaman dl yg masih cupu2nya. sekarang jadi gimanaaaa gitu. :D

kjadian kdua,,

gw berhasil buat proyek band gw [!] ajibbbbbb. cm bbrp jem doang klar, tinggal finishing. asoyyy. team work gw kali ini bner2 mantabsss. moga2 proyek gw yg ini bisa lolos, kali aja klo lolos gw ma band gw bisa jadi free lancer lagi pas lburan. lumayan nmbh duid jajan ma tabungan anak2 band. :D

kjadian ktiga,,

gw lbur 10 hari mannn. banyak tugas sih, tapi masih mnding lah drpd skolah. ahahaha

rncn jlan numpuk di dpan mata gw. ke dufan, REUNI anak SD BK, ngrjain tugas rame2.

hari sbtu mau ke ultah keshia. :D

pngn gw ikut ke MARBELLA ma anak klas gw, tapi apa boleh dikata, kondisi badan gak mendukung pgi keq gitu, trus bokap gak ksh gr2 gak ada guru. [ have fun yaa kawannnn :) ]

wishes:

lburan gw menyenangkann, nyokap gw brnti nyap2 gr2 tyap hari pgi, tugas gw klar smua.

bisa ktmu lagi sama sohib lama gw, proyek gw lolos. ^^

cancer a.k.a kanker.

belakangan ini, gw banyak dnger orang kna kanker. yeah, jnisnya banyak sih. baru baru ini, ada satu orang guru ipeka sunter yg kna kanker rahim trus uda passed away, keqnya sih baru bbrp hari yg lalu.

ada juga satu temennya temen gw, umurnya sih bisa di bilang uda rada tua yah, skitar yahhh.. 24 taon lah. buat ukuran orang yg kna kanker stadium awal sih, uda rada tua.

trus pas kmrn gw ke tmpt sohib gw, dy crita katanya nyokapnya mantan koko dy ada juga yg mninggal gara2 kanker rahim.

jadi lah gw keinget sama 1 orang yg bner2 buat gw bner2 brubah, start dimana gw mutusin buat jadi orang yg lbih dewasa. baik scara sifat maupun sikap. :)

yeahh.. dy kna kanker otak stadium lanjut. sbnrnya sih, dy uda tau ada kanker dari klas 4 SD tapi gak mau ksh tau gw. dy gak mau ikut kemoterapi sama skali. alesannya bisa dibilang gak logis. dy gak mau gw tau klo dy kna kanker, scara klo kemo itu pasti efeknya ktauan. dari mulai rambut rontok mpe badan kurus mpe abies gitu.

kanker di badan dy lama klamaan ngembang dan buat dy gak bisa disembuhin lagi. gak ada obatnya, dan klopun ada, obat itu gak bakal nymbuhin, cuma ngurangin rasa sakit doang.

2 minggu sblm dy passed away, gw baru tau dy kanker. dan saat itu dy uda masuk ICCU, kmungkinan idup pun, cuma gak sampe 5%.

tyap hari gw nmnin dy, nungguin dy, dnger crita dy, inget knangan gw sama dy, ikut ngrasain sakit pas dy gak tahan sama sakitnya obat atau sgala macamnya, nglyad dy kemo mpe muntah - muntah.

saat2 trakir gw bner2 buat gw gak bisa lupain dy dengan gampang, apalagi 1 taon sblm dy gak ada, dy dket banget ma gw.

pas tanggal 5 AGUSTUS 2007. smuanya brakir buat dy, tapi awal buat gw.

akhir dari smua rasa sakit dy, akhir dari rasa bersalah dy karena uda boong ma gw slama bertaon2. akhir dari hidup dy yang dy tutup dengan snyum paling indah dan manis yg pernah gw lyad dari bibir dy. akhir dari knangan gw ma dy.

tapi itu smua awal dari gw nyiksa diri gw ndiri. awal dari gw yg gak trima keadaan. awal dri gw yg bnci sama Tuhan slama bbrp waktu. awal dari gw rasa sedih gw, aer mata gw yg blom brnti mpe skarang. awal dari rasa sakit gw styap kali gw inget dy dan smua knangannya.

dan mpe skarang, gw bnci kata CANCER a.k.a KANKER yg uda ngrbut nyawa orang yg gw sayang, dan byk orang laen di luar sana. styap kali gw dnger kata itu, gw rasanya lgsg pngn nangies dan keinget ma dy. apalagi klo ada orang nybud, KANKER OTAK, STADIUM 4 atau LANJUT, MENINGGAL.

tapi skarang janji mau brubah, gak mau buat dy sdih di tmpt yg uda bahagia, kluarga gw sdih, sohib sdih, dan gw mau diri gw jadi orang yg lbih baik lagi. :)

close friends, [ TRI . GO ]

i missed my close friends. maybe for a few day, maybe a few week. dunno why, but i felt that i lost them. even we have just met two weeks ago.

uhm, i taught, it was my birthday when we met last. and on these day, we didn't talk too much, maybe because of i invited my school's friends, so we couldn't together and had fun with my another friends. i guessed.

in whole life, suddenly i felt like, yeah, as i told before, lost my close friends.

i'm conscious that our habits have been changing.

in the past, we seldom met. sometimes, we couldn't meet for 2 months, maybe more. when we met, we just did a fun activity, like : watched movie, ate without share or anything else. uhm, little share about our school activities and our problem, but didn't tell a full story.

and now. yeah, we always have a time to meet, even just a while. we met to share, not for having fun. in 2 weeks, we could meet again. it made our friendship so close. and felt that we had a precious friendship that never change. but, when we busy with our activities, with school, i taught we liked yeah, have a distance.

yesterday, one of them chatted with me, and she shared about her fear. she afraid [ TRI . GO ] would be broken. and she had stress about it, also sad. uhm. it was impossible. i guess. i hope so. and i'll try to not make it possible.

one thing, she made me conscious about the condition. i always think that we just busy with our activity, so we'll meet after our activities have done. and it's like our habit to meet seldom.

but, she told me, our habit has changed. yeah, i recognized it. --'

for some opportunity, i couldn't say yes when they asked to meet. because of my activities and anything else. and then, i felt guilty.

i told her, not only for her, but for us, that ..

i'll never leave you, if you want to share or anything else,

call me or message me. i'll always have a time to hear you and share with you.

and, it's so hard to find close friends like you all.

hold my words gurls, i said it with all of my heart and i couldn't imagine my life without my best close friends like you. i adored you, i love you, and i'll always care about you. whenever, whatever, however.

problem, memories.

for past weeks, i felt empty. yeah, i knew the reason absolutely. but, i made a wrong reflection between my mind and myself.

P.R.O.B.L.E.M, simple word and simple composition from our dictionary, even it in indonesian or english. but it never end and always come in our life. many people always say that. but, some specialist said that problems could make you better and learnt from the mistakes for your future.

honestly, i agree this words. but, i couldn't trust myself to be a person like this words said. because, for me, my problems were so complicated and sometimes i couldn't solve it, maybe just tried to ignore it and act like nothing happened. yeah, i couldn't always act like that, i knew.

M.E.M.O.R.I.E.S, a beautiful word and always be a meaningful for all people in this world. you could imagine and remember about your past life although it bad or good, best or worst, sad or happy. sometimes, people said that your bad memories have just made your life stuck because it stopped and made you sunk.

unfortunately, i disagree with this words. for me, even it bad - worst - sad memories in your life, it was a grace from GOD. and it would be a new experience to learn and made you to not fallen again in the same mistakes. i almost got this memories for all of my problems although sometimes i got good - best - happy memories too.

a relation between P.R.O.B.L.E.M and M.E.M.O.R.I.E.S is ..

something that i'll never know why i still cry, when i can stop my tears, what i can do to face this.

on my older post from this blog, i have written about this problem, about this person and about this memories that always made me so sick, lonely and empty. also hurt me when i remember it.

yeah, it was my biggest problem about this memories. i considered when my tears went out again for a long lonely night. i have made a promise to him that i'll never cry again because of him. but, i have denied it. and it made me felt guilty. i knew i have made mistakes. i couldn't stop my tears, couldn't stop to cry. and i'm tired to try because all of my effort was failed, never be succeed. finally, i'm hopeless.

when some of my friends told me that i must be tough, for the first, i believed myself that i could do it. when i wanna do it, i taught it useless. i'm not negative thinking, but it was the fact.

so, this problem and this memories will never be solve. and for a long long time will always make me sick. because i'm hopeless enough.

stupid.

why i must still remember you ?

even though you have made me hurt a lot.

although you have made me disappointed.

did you satisfy to hurt me ?

have you thought what the effect when you act like that ?

i'm tired for trying, and for remembering.

it was too hard for being a hypocrite that act like " i don't need you anymore [!] " .

you have made me crazy with this condition.

but i couldn't lie my self that i need you.

many people came in my life, my heart.

but only you could make me comfort in every step of my life.

and only you, have opened my heart for an honest love.

it was not a short time to forget you, for several years and night,

i always dream about you, when we together and spent time together.

for a while,

i hate you a lot, because of your act and your attitude and your love.

but you know? it seemed like, i hate you but more love you.

i didn't know why it can be done.

every time i tried to forget you, every time i always remember you too.

i knew it was a stupid re-action.

for still remembering you and hoping to be yours.

i knew it was a stupid decision.

for ignoring you and rejecting your request.

i knew it was a very very stupid thinking,

for you to be with me even i'm not yours and you're not mine.

and i apologized for this first.

i didn't mind to reject you, ignore you or anything else,

but i couldn't return myself to usual as i do for you when you still beside me.

and i didn't want to look you hurt again because of me and my egoism.

i'm still love you,