it's final.

when my mom asked me: what's going on between you and him?
one statement i could say: i don't know, mom. everything gonna be worst.


when my brother asked me: have you tried to finish everything as well as both of you could do?
one action i could show: shake my head left to right - right to left.


when my dad asked me: could you get him off from your life?
no statement, no action. i'm speechless.


when my best friend asked me: why did you still thinking of him? he always hurt you.
i'm not speechless. i left her. i didn't want to hear it again.


but,
when he asked me: would you be mine again? please.
i'm sure that my answer never made me regret: NO!
i knew everyhting's changing fast. also you, me, and us.
and it will never back as you wish.

you couldn't be said by words. more than beautiful words.
you're not my everything. for now and ever.
even i realized my heart still yours and my love is had by you,
but i decided to close my heart for you. to take my love from you.
hurt, love, care - it just deathly feelings that i ever can feel again.

trust in You (:

" Percayalah, Dia pasti sanggup. Tangan-Nya tak akan terlambat untuk mengangkatmu. Percayalah Dia tak akan tinggalkanmu "


btw, ini salah satu dari lirik lagu gospel yang lagi senengsenengnya gw puter di playlist.
rasanya tenang aja abies denger lagu ini. gw percaya ma Tuhan. dan gw setuju dengan lirik dari lagu ini.
sebenernya sih bukan cuma lagu ini doang. masih banyak lagu pujian kristen yang gw blajar di skolah yang kena di gw. (gw slalu kebaktian seminggu skali di skolah, -red.)


belakangan ini ada aja masalah yang bnerbner bikin gila.
scara family sih, it's ok.
scara relation ma sahabat, ok - ini masalah utama.
scara love life, ini juga masalah.
tapi gw tau Tuhan pasti bantu gw. right? (:

a paper. a heart.

a piece of paper is written by a marker.
it can't erase by anything. even a thiner.
it can't change by anyone. even a prison.
these have been drove everything in the paper.
a paper was so soft and easily to tear.

when it has teared, it will never back into a paper like first.
even we try to stick with anything, but it will never.
when it has written, it will never back into a empty paper.
even we try to erase with anything, but it will never.


it's the same like heart.
when it hurts, it will never back into a health heart.
even we try to cure it with anything, but it will never.
when it breaks, it will never back into a heart like first.
heart: easily to be hurt.
and it will affect anything in life.


my heart = a paper.
and,

should i be hurt by you?

you're too far to me to reach. it's impossible.

i don't know what i'm feel right now. about you. about us.

every step i walked. every minute i left. every breath i took.

i really missed you. with all of you. anything about you.

best in me.

from the moment I met you I just knew you'd be mine 

you touched my hand 

and I knew that this was gonna be our time 

I don't ever wanna lose this feeling 

I don't wanna spend a moment apart

 cause you bring out the best in me, like no-one else can do 

that's why I'm by your side, and that's why I love you 

every day that I'm here with you

I know that it feels right

and I've just got to be near you every day and every night 

and you know that we belong together 

It just had to be you and me

by: blue.

song: best in me.

it's a very good song, isn't it?
and it will always one person who can be best in me.
he never change my heart with his action. it just make me more love him, whatever it's cause.
you're the first and the last who take my heart fully until i can't find the way to go out from this.

i do love my blog (:

blogging is the best way to express what you felt.
i swear about it. at least, you feel a little free. however, hold everything isn't always good.
even it can make people blind with what you felt.
i can write anything i wanna write. any feeling. it's better than you have to mad with people.


i can ignore everyone who looks my blog.
and then they will tell it to another friends and become a gossip.
but, who cares?
as i said, if they open my blog and be like a trash, it means they're kepoers.
i really glad about it (:

should i care?

hey! harus gak sih gw peduli sama orang yang gak peduli sama gw?
orang yang selalu mau di cari duluan, tapi gak mau cari orang duluan?
orang yang gak ada kabarnya? giliran di tanyain malah cuma "he-eh he-eh" doang? gak di bales malah.
orang yang selalu sibuk? giliran gw sibuk, malah di katain sibuk banget.
orang yang ngorbanin waktu cuma sedikit untuk ketemu? giliran sama tementemennya bisa lama banget dengan banyak alasan.
orang yang sulit diajak share? dengan tanggapan yang sulit di percaya.
orang yang cuek? lalu nge-judge gw yang gakgak.
et cetera.


so? harus gak? worth gak?
jujur aja, gw sih uda cukup cape dengan keadaan kayak gini.
cape untuk ngalah. cape untuk jadi orang yang baik di mata mereka dan sematamata itu untuk pertahanin hubungan ginian.
cape untuk bilang "iya" pas di ajak pergi karena pasti bukan hal yang benarbenar membuat gw senang.
cape untuk ketemu dan cerita dengan tanggapan yang gak bisa di percaya klo mereka ngelakuin hal itu.
cape untuk peduli karena mereka gak pernah benarbenar peduli ma gw.
cape untuk selalu kasih kabar duluan karena mereka gak pernah nanya kabar gw duluan.


and totally,
i'm too tired to continue this relation!
too much i have sacrificed for them. too long i have waited for them.
too crazy i have survived with this damn condition.
too little i have my feeling for them now. past, they have became my best.
too hurt if i always remind about it.


i'm tired to be hurt by anyone. it's enough.
should i care? it's my question!

my blog's back!

thanks God to the maxxxxx this blog can open again!
for some days, it can't open. i don't know where it's wrong but i can't access any blog.
i have changed my blog link. i affect nothing.
my connection was lost for minutes. my brother repaired it.
anw, it works.
thanks broo (:


blogspot has a new look! cool man :D

national exams?

it's totally crazy.

i'm on 12th grade already. and soon, i have to take my last school exam also national exam.

it's usual. but it changes into unusual because of the government policy about the movement of the national exam. (click to look the policy!)

some rules changes into some disaster for everyone.

imagine it! you will take your national exam, but you're not with your friends. but with many different students from schools which in the same district. ok, this is the first one.

the second one, the national exam will be begun on the third week of March. it means the national exam move faster than last exam. so, students just have only three of four months to prepare all of this crazy subjects.

FYI, we will take three general subject: indonesian language, english language, mathematics.

the difference is on three additional subjects that adapted with class you have chosen.

for general school that only have two big class difference:

science class: physic, chemistry, biology.

social class: sociology, economic + accounting, geography.

there still some chapters of our book that we haven't learn it. and teachers run for it.

it's crazy, isn't it?

the third one, we have to get 5,50 for minimal score in each subjects. it increased 0.25 point than last. minimal 4.00 for two subject if you can't pass it and 4.25 in another subject.

if you can't pass it, it means you will enjoy the 12th grade again. except you take the C packet.

helloo?? the minimal scores always increase every year, but many student can't pass it.

how come about the national next year? are there the students that can't pass increase too?

the composition of each subject has appeared by the government.

i didn't really sure about it, but just (clickme!) to look and check about the composition.

the schedule of national exam also has appeared. and this: (clickme!)

i hope this post can help you and notice you about the info of national exam.

so you can prepare anything you have to do and face this exam readily!

good luck! (:

kepo-ing. kepoers.

anyway, this post will be in indonesian. because i'm sooooooooo mad and stress because of this damn action!

if someone feel alluded, i just can say: it's you business man! i don't care with you and your feeling. it's your fault to open my blog and read this post. and you feel alluded because of this.

this story beginning on situation:

skarang gw lagi dket sama 1 cowok. temen kok. anak satu skolah gw. trus gw sendiri dulunya uda knal dy, klo ktmu nyapa, say: hi like a normal people.

berawal dari kasus pangandaran lah itu, semua nightmare gw ini di mulay.

pertama, mulut salah satu anak IPA yg mencetuskan ide gosip di dpan para kawannya dan satu guru IPEKA (yang ini sih, bodo amad deh. gw juga gak pduli). ok, setelah ini, gosip ini cuma bertahan beberapa hari di skolah.

kedua, karena ada satu dan lain hal, gw ma 5 temen gw membentuk sebuah family tree. as i have posted on these blog. (click me to know and being a kepo people!)

nah, dari kasus family tree ini lah, smua orang jadi kepo dan mau tau urusan orang, cari-cari tau info di situs sosial, nglyad dari skolah, blablablabla.

satu anak sempet melakukan hal kepo-ing ini di salah satu situs jejaring sosial yang terkenal di dunia (you know lah). dari situ dy langsung ber-curiga ria tentang apa maksud di balik family tree ini, ada hubungan apa mpe bisa ada family tree. karena bagi dy, kedekatan para anggota family tree gw uda terlihat sejak di pangandaran.

kedua, setelah menjalani kehidupan sekolah selama 1 bulan dari kepulangan di pangandaran, hubungan gw ma family gw tambah dket. otomatis kalo deket gitu, ya gw jadi deket juga lah. pertamatama sih gak apaapa ngomong di skolah byasa aja. tapi sekarang, malah jadi bulanbulanan orangorang kepo.

kalo ngomong tuh kesannya salah, di lyadin. di tjietjiein. di tanyatanyain.

mau ngomong sama dy pun semakin bertambah sulit. dengan hadirnya para kepoers.

satu hal yang bisa gw lyad secara jelas, ada salah satu mata dari kepoers itu gak enak gitu natapnya. antara curiga, mau kepo, ato tindakan menyebalkan lainnya.

apalagi nyangkut soal anak-mantu gw. malah kadang gw ma sie grandpa juga dilyadin. ckck

kejadian paling menjijikan tuh kemaren.

critanya gw mau pgi b5 rame-rame. ya sudalah gw nungguin mpe pada mau jalan. soalnya ntar jalan ke puri nonton 2012, ada yg bawa mobil.

pas lagi nunggu. smua anak menjadi sangat kepo. ntah apa isi otak mereka.

ada yang nglyadin (bisa klyadan, gw keq lagi di omongin di belakang), ada yang bilang juga mau nonton 2012 di tempat yang sama. ada yang nanya gw uda jadian apa belom. ada yang ktawaktawa. ada yang nguntit sampe gw bnerbner klyadan naek motor. dan mereka smua mengucapkan selamat kepada grandpa karena dianggap uda jadian. 

loh! apakah ini smua sih?

skarang gw tanya, mau gak lu di gituin?

pas lu lagi deket sama orang (lawan jenis, -red.), mau gak lu di tjiein - di lyadin - di kepoin - di tanyain?

gw yakin jawabannya pasti gak! karena tingkah manusia emang gitu.

mau gituin orang, tapi gak mau di gituin.

trus skarang maunya apa? ngomong sini langsung! 

gak suka gw deket? bilang sini. jangan jadi kepoers.

gw gak mau kjadian yang sama keulang lagi pas gw sama salah satu di antara temen mereka dan ujungujungnya temen mereka ngjauin gw, ngatain gw di belakang, kepoin gw (dan orang itu memang sangat lah kepo di antara semua lelaki yang gw knal, -red.)

makanya, klo gak mau di gituin, jangan gituin orang!

toh slama ini gw juga gak pernah kepo ma lu. apa yang lu orang lakuin. lu mau deket ma syapa. mau ngapain. ngapelin syapa. pegi ma syapa. smsan teleponan ma syapa.

mau jungkir balik juga bodo amat deh! WHO CARES?

trus knapa lu smua gituin gw? 2 kali lagi. masih blom puas juga ya?

(:

this smiley, as you always want from me.

and i'll accept as it is.

smile. without you. and let you go.

from me. from my life.

but it's not from my heart.

because you're my heart. and will always like it.

i knew i'm fool.

the foolishness that made we're done.

but i'm glad to know who are you.

what have you hide behind me. and how did you respect me.

i'm driving crazy and insane past.

but now until the future,

no more tears. no more regret. no more cry. no more sadness.

no more mellowness. no more chance to allow you mine.

and where it hurts,

you can finish it properly finely directly.

so, stop caring about me!

i didn't need your care.

i just need to care about you. and your way to make me smile.

move on.

i couldn't stuck with these pain.

but i'm too weak.

i'll try to move on.

as i promise you. to live without you by my side.

so, it just hurt me.

because i've taught you a big lie.

i've missed the important one .

and it'll never come back to me.

i've regret. but it wouldn't affect anything.

even a sharpest knife hurt me,

it never give a pain like this.

although a biggest lie you've taught me.

it never make my tears fall down like this. and it always.

chicken!

who means your mind a chicken? anyone alluded?

i didn't want to allude you or someone who perceive CHICKEN. i just wrote what i felt.

so, if you alluded with this post, i have 2 words for you: WHO CARES?

btw, i met a chicken in my real life. not a chicken for meaning correctly but a human who acts like a chicken:

• acts like do nothing, whereas has did big hypocrisies
• feeling disturb when i near his thing (thing means: a human who got his act like an unimportant thing)
• a loser means a coward :)
• gives faults to me and negative thinking that i did it and i made it even i never did it and NEVER WANT TO DID IT, whereas did chicken own fault totally. because my brain is not idiot to do it for my friend!

i pretended nothing has happened. pretended it will be better if i accept as it is.

but when i tried, my feeling to pretend is gone. it change to hate because past, a chicken became my best friend. i never think will happen until it HURT me.

why did you act like this, huh?

have i ever made mistakes? just tell where it's yes!

and do not talk behind me like a loser, GENTLEMAN.

i will appreciate if you show your courage to tell me if you don't like me.

just be a man not a chicken.

i knew you have did it for twice. and i will never let you did it for the third times. ENOUGH.

don't throw you fault to your friend. it's not your friend fault.

but you just too stupid to hide you feeling and action in front of me.

please don't be an egoist man! stop warning person.

and i will ALWAYS REMEMBER you words:

" there will be not nothing between me and your friend "

to give you a new opportunity to repair you action?

it will be a big mistake i ever did in my life.

because i just give you opportunity to talk behind me and act like nothing happen in front of me.

and it's too stupid!

you started it, and i will end it.

no revenge. but just a special ignorance for you.

enjoy it, CHICKEN!

in-flu-en-za

gila. sinting. mampus.

pilek 1 minggu. mati aja :(

idung mampet. nafas susa mpe msti pake mulut.

uda minum obat, tapi sama aja. gak efek apapun.

males ke dokter cuma gara-gara bginian.

pasrah aja sama Tuhan, apa yang akan terjadi selanjutnya :D

stoopid

gw itu knapa ya? masih aja nangies sama hal yang uda gak mungkin balik lagi.

ok fine, gw bukan nangies tentang 1 kjadian yang gw alamin baru-baru ini.

air mata gw slalu kluar waktu gw inget saat-saat itu.

saat gw masih kecil dan polos dengan seseorang yang selama ini selalu ingetin gw harus gimana ketika gw jatoh, gw sakit, gw nangies.

seseorang yang sampe skarang masih slalu berarti buat gw dan gak akan pernah bisa diganti sama apapun di dunia ini.

seseorang yang slalu ada di hati gw, yang gak akan pernah pergi, yang selama ini buad gw kuat.

sakit. perih. luka.

itu yang gw rasain waktu gw keinget sama dy.

barang-barang, foto-foto, dan segala macam hal yang bisa ingetin gw sama dy baru aja gw beresin tadi.

itu knapa gw agak gak pengen barang gw itu diutak-atik orang.

17 words. star necklace. some letters.

kisses. hugs. t-shirt. smile. tears.

words. advices. care. love.

with all of this, how can i forget about you?

you're the only one reason why i always fall down my tears.

it just like a river which never stop.

and i do love it. it same like i love the rain that made me free to cry.

stop it please :(

could you stop hurt me, please?

you always knew where i hurt much. and you did it.

where's your heart?

stop making me hurt!

i'm begging on you :(