heart's escape.

did you remember about october last year? yeah, we broken off with some reason.
and after we decided to separate, i lost my heart. everything.
so when i was very close with one of my boy friend, i victimized him for being my heart's escape just because i needed your attendence in my life. i tried to replace you with another boy after everything left us hurtly.
for 2 months i have done my escape. i went with him, watched movies, chit chat, telephoning, messaging, chatting, accompanying in sad or happy condition, and more. i thought, i could forget you, started a new relationship with others. forgot ours. oh hell yeah, i did it not just with one boy but 3 at once. i knew i was crazy.
in my escaping period, i didn't get anything. still felt empty even they have done the same like you or maybe more. and i realized, i have hurted them. they confessed to me that they have a feeling for me.
when one of them held my hand, i just kept silence. felt like it was you who held my hand tightly.
when one of them telephoned or messaged me, i just replied it. felt like it was you who did it to me.
when one of them went with me to somewhere, i just followed him. felt like it was you who walked beside me.
i was dumb. i was stupid. i was selfish. i didn't think about their feeling.
my heart's escape was finished when you started to communicate with me again. just friend for the first time. slowly but sure, it made us recognized what we have done so far was so precious too leave. we still have the feeling of loving (:
and everything turned back into usual. then my escape boy? i don't know. conciously, i took a distance. but one of them have a wall face. the other one confessed to me that he just waited for me and queued. and the last one? he has just got a new girlfriend. i'm happy for you too the last one. sorry i have hurted you all.
these was my first confession after i shared with my best last monday. thanks girls! you were the best ever! :D

fragile heart.

A fragile heart was broken before

I don't think it could endure another pain

But there's a voice from deep inside of you

That's calling out to make you realize

That this new bond gives inspiration

To all who feel no love appeal no more

So how can I break this wall around you

That's aiding both our hearts to grow in pain

So forget your past, and we can dream tomorrow

Save our hearts for card and lovin too

It's hard I know, but oh

One thing for sure

Don't go and break this fragile heart

A hurting mind in need of emotion

I don't think I could endure another pain

But baby in you, I've found affection

Affection I have never felt before

So don't let your past destroy what comes tomorrow

Don't go and break my fragile heart

With all this fire that burns between us

There's so much to lose

Yet so much more to gain

And if I could, choose the world around me

The world I'd choose would all revolve around you

So help me complete the game inside me

And help to mend my fragile heart

sung by: westlife (:

me.

me. nothing to care. just a worthless word when your selfishness turn out and drive my life as your role. i don't get any freedom again. thanks!

simple but meant a lot

you asked me for a gift, i said NO.
because all i want in my birthday is you.
i never asked you for giving me any kind of gift, goods, or anything that could be exchanged by money,
i just wanted you to give me your unlimited and your unconditional love for me. just for me. none else.
you gave me a ring to be your fiancee. i accepted as it was.
i don't look into the price but i look inside your heart how honest you gave me a ring just to make a step forward for becoming yours forever.

simple but meant a lot.

earth hour

today! march 27th, 2010. let's join the earth hour program to make our world could be more exsit for a long time. turn off your light or something that related with an energy for just one hour. from 8.30 p.m. until 9.30 p.m. isn't it easy? please respect your environment. and take care of our world even just a little thing to do (:

too much action from you.

maybe these world has just been crazy until a boy could reply what a girl has done. i'm outsider before i knew the problem from my best. when i looked from the outside, sorry i have to write these. you're not a gentleman as a man! if you felt that it wasn't you, just kept silence. not reply the action. where's your good behaviour, huh? maybe i don't know you more, but when you were dating with my best, you such as a best boy. you sacrificed everything to her. but know? HELLOOO? you acted like it wasn't you.
she also had a mistakes to you. i confess honestly. but please, you were a boy, weren't you? when she wants to apologize at you, i said: NO! there's a big NO. how can you imagine that you have apologized but the reponses just made you hurt? scream at her (you never did these!), overwhelmed all faults to her such she did an unfogiven mistakes. hey, did you realized who was the girl you have been dating for almost 3 years lately? then when you bored at her, you left her as a trash? and did an annoying action? sorry, for the man side. you're too much action to do boy!

THANKS people!

who's friend? a place to share what you want to share? oh hell yeah, that's right. i forced myself to tell you about the truth of my love life. maybe it wasn't your type about a guy or maybe you didn't want to take a care to me. i'm fine, THANKS! i just want to be honest with you as my besties. i talked what i thought you have to know about me then i would hear good responses before i take a new step. but once again, THANKS! i decided to not share anything about my love life with you again. no more. just one time i have shared but you disappointed me. let me tell you:

i don't need your 'kind' action. i don't need your hypocrisies! i hate you when you act like you were an angel that have given me a best action to do. a best advice to do. i shared to you, hoped i would take some advices. RESPECTS. your way of delivery your words hasn't made me respect at you. if i was wrong, tell me it was. but not with your annoying action and words. i hate your face when you talked to me about these. if i could, i wanted to break your neck!
oh ok, if you said: boys were still much in these world if you want to search. didn't stuck your heart for one boy. you didn't know what they have done behind you. and the fixed reason from your dad, it could make you have a reason to leave him. anw, what have you kept from your relationship? he was so far from you. there were many boys could act like him, not only him.

thanks for your words. i knew you meant good. but sorry if i have to leave him. you have to know how the love fastened off you. and you will do everything to exist what your faith said. you have to get a boyfriend who will make you like this. your selfishness about a boy will change when you have to fight your relationship in front of your family, your friends that don't accept him as he is.
and i confessed at you: i have disappointed to have 'besties' like you.

national exams!

today is my fourth day for the national exams. it meant tomorrow will be the last!
anw, so far so good. except: math. i did some stupid mistakes.
wish me luck for tomorrow!


two practical exam weeks is waiting. then school exams. then i'm totally FREE :D

i missed.

see the picture please. then i started to think that i will never feel it again.
i missed my handphone ringing for your call or just your message.
i missed your words when you said to me and wrote on the message.
i missed your care for every single time we have spent.
i missed your laugh when you laughed for my stupidities
i missed your voice when you said: i love you
i missed your action to make me calm
i missed your message just to say: good night, good luck for the exams, good morning, and any kinds of little things but it was so meaningful for me


i know i can't live without you. i tried so very hard to adapt myself that i can stand alone, without you. but it just made me more realize, i can't. oh hell yeah, i have lied at you when i said i'm not missing you. and then, i wanna scream at you that i missed you a lot, really, truly, deeply, definitely, absolutely, perfectly :(

one name.

one name that i always mention in my night pray
prayed for the best for us, let God lead us to His best ways
i called your name, really missed the time when we spent it together
and actually prayed because i wanted you to be my dream ever night
it will decrease my longing feeling. i wish

one name that i always remember in every second i've spent
whatever i wanted to do, your words have been living.
i prevented stupid actions, i did what we promised before
and really wanted you beside me, spent our time as usual
it will add my unlimited love for you more and more, i swear

one name that came into my life for one year lately
being thankful for your presence, felt how big was your love to me
i never expected we will through it all further
and definitely needed you for the rest of life, we'll be a partner in future life
it will be colorful my flat life. being alive again, i prove

one name that always be my strength in every things i've lived
when i was hopeless, you came to me with a lot of advice to lift me up
i felt i could finish all of my problems, indeed to face the worst truth
and readily gave you more than you've given to me, even i couldn't be more than you
it will supply more power for my complicated life, i wonder

one name that ingrained in my heart without reasons, always loved purely whatever it happens.
didn't know now it could happen, everything came so fast and my adapted nicely
i never wanted to ask: why because it failed, i have no reason for it
and absolutely seek you to be the last, none if not you, be the best, never made you regret
it will dwell as the beautifulest memory for us, i mean


P.S: V's

your words.

when i asked you: 'why did you do all of this? made pains'
i'm mad at you, i'm angry! i can't controlled my anger. i can't hold my words to say everything that will hurt you.
i decided to leave you, didn't survive for all of those things. not until one day,

you told me:
never leave me - i couldn't.
you could leave me, but i couldn't. you could look for another guy that better from me. if you have found it, i'll allow you to leave me. because when you're happy, i'll too. never asked me to leave you. maybe i'm not the best for you, always hurt you with all of my behaviour ,  made you hate me, i'm too bad in your eyes. but i'll not look for another girl, you're the only one woman whom i want to marry in church in the right time.
so even i'll know another girl that maybe better than you, i just want to make you being mine forever. many people knew about me but only you who knew me inside and deepest, you knew what people didn't know, indeed you knew what i didn't know. how could i leave you when i realized that you're the best for me?

after you told these, we were starting fo fight again. for one week. i want to give up, but my heart voice said no! and i'm still standing here for us. i'll never leave you, i'll wait until you prove your words to me, and i'll lay myself to yourself, believing in you that you can take care of me - my love - my heart.




P.S: V's

deepest condolences.

26.o2.1o
3 days ago, my juniors have passed away because of crashed. it was so shocked, none expected for these, even me. whereas i just sent two of them a joke after school last thursday.
but, there was no question for 'why'. we through it with faith that God already has the best way for them though the way wasn't too good to be true. people felt of loosing especially for the classmates. my school for other grade also felt these, we were maybe not know well. but we knew they were our friends in the same school.
anw apart from the fact that they were driven above 120km/hour, we have to see and concerned what they have got. it was pure accident, none wanted about that. we just prayed for them, for they peacefulness.
and for the families, be strong and bear up. we knew it was hardest to live but we hope our spirits and our supports can bring you up and accept all of this gracefully.
good bye friends. we will always love you and stay up our memories in our heart. may God give you rest in peace. the best place in the world to see your beloved people from above. we will meet you soon, what for us guys (:


btw, three of you has given me lessons about life. thanks for all of it.