#jamanSD

post kali ini entah kenapa kepengen pake bahasa indonesia, bahasa ibu sendiri :D

di twitter hari ini lagi hot banget tentang kenang-mengenang #jamanSD, entah siapa yang mulai tapi isi timeline gw soal itu banyak banget. dari soal makanan, kegiatan jaman dulu, maenan jaman dulu, kenakalan jaman dulu, atau hal lain yang berhubungan dengan hal itu. entah kenapa, rasanya #jamanSD setiap anak sama aja. ada perbedaan mungkin, tapi gak terlalu keliatan beda banget gimana banget.
jujur aja, gw punya #jamanSD yang berbeda di antara anak2 itu dimana ketika itu, gw dihadapkan pada anak2 yang berumur SD tapi perilaku jahat dan liciknya macem anak SMP/SMA yang ada di sinetron jaman itu. sampe sekarang gw aja masih gak ngerti kenapa mereka bisa gitu ke gw, salah apa atau mereka gak suka tentang gw dimana. mereka gak pernah kasih tau dan gw gak pernah berniat untuk tau soal itu karena bagi gw itu amat sangat gak penting untuk dipermasalahkan. berat sih harus ngejalanin sisa hari di SD yg notabene sebentar lagi lulus dan naik ke SMP dengan banyak intrik, fitnah, labrak, caci maki, adu-mengadu, sirik, dan bahkan backstabber. bisakah diterima logika ketika anak2 umur 12 tahunan bisa melakukan hal seperti itu? gw juga gak abis pikir. cuma ya jalanin aja lah ya, toh gw uda bisa lewatin semua itu dan sekarang uda menapaki bangku kuliah dengan baik serta lancar.
setidaknya, #jamanSD gw itu mengajarkan gw banyak hal. ketika gw dipaksa berpikir lebih dewasa dan lebih memikirkan masa depan gw, gw akan lebih maju selangkah lebih cepat dibandingkan mereka. itu yang gw rasain sekarang pas gw ngejalanin hari2 setelah gw mengerti akan hal itu. gw gak pernah ngerasa harus mengubah apa yang ada dalam diri gw sebagai usaha untuk diterima di masyakarat. mungkin memang harus melakukan beberapa kali adaptasi, tapi itu adaptasi dalam tahap wajar dan normal bukannya sengaja merubah seluruh sikap yang jadi bahan cemoohan orang lain yang jelas bukan gw banget. gw berubah dan mengalami perkembangan karena gw uda harus berkembang dan mengembangkan diri gw sendiri untuk masa depan gw, mengalami proses pendewasaan pikiran ke arah yang lebih baik tentunya. kalaupun gw berubah berdasar bahan cemoohan tadi, itu berarti gw menyadari salah gw dimana. hasil dari introspeksi diri yang panjang dan gw merasakan sendiri efek dari ketidaknyamanan orang lain itu. oh ya, gw juga gak akan membalas mengatai atau mencemooh mereka karena itu tandanya gw sama aja kayak mereka. malah gw akan amat sangat berterima kasih atas kritik pedas mereka itu yang setidaknya membuat gw sadar dan ngeh dengan apa yang uda gw lakuin selama ini

ada satu kasus temen gw yang sebenernya sih temen koko gw juga, sikap keras kepala dan childish dia itu uda membuatnya menutup diri dari kritik. terkadang selalu menganggap dirinya benar - orang lain selalu salah, tidak ada sisi positifnya. lantas apa orang seperti itu akan mengalami proses pendewasaan? nampaknya gak, yang ada malah balas mengatai atau berkata layaknya orang amat sangat mengerti keadaan atau dalam hal ini bisa disebut dewasa. awalnya sih gw sabar dengerin apa yg dia ngomong dengan segala sikapnya yang ampun2an untuk selalu dimengerti. tapi di tengah perjalanan kesabaran itu, gw memilih untuk berhenti mendengarkan karena makin ke arah sini, dia gak takut lagi dengan rasa percaya dirinya yang tinggi menyatakan bahwa dia tidak memiliki kesalahan apapun dan seolah orang lain itu benar. by the way, orang lain itu temen2nya sendiri yang sebenernya uda sering nyoba bilang ke dia dan berusaha memperbaiki cuma dasar emang kepala batu yang kerasnya parah banget itu jadi malah dikira negatif maksud orang lain itu. dan pada akhirnya orang lain itu semua uda pasrah dan cuma bisa mengatai dia seakan dia itu gak ada, buat gw sih itu lebih baik. biar tau rasa orang macem gitu, koko gw jg jadi korban dari sikap keterlaluan dia itu - dikatain gak gentle walaupun itu cuma pikiran sesaat. bodohnya lagi, dia cerita itu semua ke gw! padahal dia tau koko gw gak suka ma dia dan dia gak suka ma koko gw cuma pura2 suka doang temenan. fake friend!baiklah, dy anak bungsu dengan kakak2 perempuan. kata orang, anak bungsu selalu manja. hey hellooo, gw anak bungsu dan gak selalu seperti itu. ada saat gw harus berpikir dewasa setelah proses pembentukan pribadi gw (maaf jadi curcol :p)

dari kasus itu, gw belajar lagi untuk mensyukuri setiap proses hidup gw. terutama #jamanSD gw yang bisa dibilang berat untuk dijalani apalagi pas awal. terima kasih Tuhan karena memberikan sesuatu yang gw butuhkan bukan yg gw inginkan. semua itu berguna untuk langkah yang lebih ke atas lagi seperti sekarang. gw gak merasa diri gw lebih baik dari orang lain atau teman2 SD gw, tapi gw hanya merasa sangat beruntung uda mengalami hal itu walaupun harus dimulai dengan kata 'dipaksa'. anyway, #jamanSD itu adalah awal mula dimana sikap cuek gw. bagi orang terlalu cuek malah, sekarang uda mendingan aja masih dibilang terlalu cuek apalagi kalau mereka liat gw pas #jamanSD? mungkin mereka akan geleng kepala gak abis pikir dengan sikap gw itu karena gw ini cewek, katanya sih cewek biasanya peduli akan sekitar. tapi buat prinsip gw, gw akan peduliin orang yang bagi gw pantes gw peduliin dan gak membuang waktu gw percuma karena uda peduli sama mereka




cheers ♥

brokenhearted girl :)

there's a part of me that you never don't know or maybe you will not care about it
something i never said to anyone even my superb bestfriend

if i'm looked from outside, absolutely people will say i'm a tough girl
but do you know i'm broken inside?
i bury a feeling that i never want to say and keep it alone
yes, this is me. a brokenhearted girl :)
apparently looks so funny, easy going, cheerful, active, etc.
but do you realize i keep something and my eyes can't lie about it?
let me ask,
do you know i always cry in the middle of my night because of one reason?
yes, i cry for something that i know i can't reach it
do you know i always keep my mouth close when my head spin about the only one reason?
yes, i keep it for myself alone and kill myself softly
do you know i always hold my emotion because i'm afraid i lose my control?
yes, i scared if that condition has to repeat again

i wrote this post, hold my tears from falling
remembering you is such a fear for me
everything's spinning in my head and automatically made my tears fall from my eyes
you hate me when i was crying because i remembered your words: when you cry, your tears will move to my eyes. then it step down to my heart, and you know? your tears were making a great pain for me
see? every words you told to me, every action you did to me, every breath you took in front of me - always drown me into the same condition again. missing you so badly
i don't know how people can easily say to forget you, they never feel my position!
once again, i'm a brokenhearted girl
if you see me in privately moment, you will know about me at the real condition
i leave my mask in front of you, i'm just a girl who has a great pain in my heart
and no one knows about it even my family
you're not mine again, i realize. but you still hold my heart, accept or not
some guys try to approach me and what i did? i always made a difference table between you and him
am i making a mistake for that condition?
often i said i miss you, i want to move back the time, and some words about it
but in fact, i didn't because all i want is not only like that
i want a change! a better condition from our last moments and a better chapter

as a brokenhearted girl, i try to stand up from the pieces of my heart
try to cheer up though my heart always feel the pain
try to accept the truth that everything has to be done
try to move on though i don't know how to move on if i still in love with you
try to keep everything alone and only me know about it
try to set my heart free from you and your love which i still feel
try to drown you into my deepest memories i haven't to remember again
try to survive in my life without you in little things we have done together
try to be normal and act like nothing happen in my life
and,
i try to be a tough girl based on your words that you ever gave to me
being your dream girl in my imagination only

and i'm proud to say: i'm a brokenhearted girl! :)
still being broken until someone can bring a glue to stick my heart from thousand pieces
actually he will be another guy, not you anymore

september is ON!

spent my first week on september with full of activities. in case, i joined an event in my campus. inauguration with a lot of stressfulness and high emotion! perform at JCC with a lip sing recording. damn! i wish i could perform live and stop pretending. anyway, it sounds great when i heard my friends said cool to me. such a little surprising words, even they said i looked so calm and enjoy my perform. before the perform, honestly i got nervous too much but when i sat at the chair and freeze my style, i got some inspirations and power to make it enjoy. it happened! thanks God :D

by the way, thanks to Ian as our LO. and your action to get near with one of our personil. great performance and also a great day! though had to waste energies and emotions the days before performance. but we deserved to get the applause from audiences :)

i met upin - ipin! they just actors but looked like a twin. BC performance was really entertaining me because i never think that the BCs were so crazy and easy going. happy to meet them and being friends with some of them :D

oh hell yeah, i have looked my college schedule for one semester ahead and it was totally sucks. i still have to sit well in my campus in saturday until 5 p.m. damn! and my class on saturday will be randomized with another class. just 3 days in a week, better maybe. i should ask for my students organizations i have involved in for their schedule. hope it will not hit my formal schedule.

then,
september is ON, dude!
prepare myself for a new life which is said: college :D

big things.

yesterday, i talked with my friend. yeah, she is a girl same like me. just called her S (nom de plume). i just knew her lately because of a meeting between our friends. we're getting closer then
anyway about what i have talked, she told about big things that i never realize. maybe i ever realize yet but i ignore.some talks offend about what i have got from God, it meant talents; and some offend about guys' action to me. nice chat!
she told me with too long words:

you're a great packaging that is made by God. you have lots talents to be improved. you could play guitar well until one of your friends told you were a really band member and you sang well too with your voice. your interest in photography brought you to a new point plus though you were not a designer or photographer student. for new people, you looked so warm with them; you never make any differences. then your ignorant attitude, sometimes it works to show that you're not a cheap girl or a girl easily to fall in one guy; you impressed guys that you need their fighting to get you. from you words or even just looked you talking, people could know that you're a smart girl and well-informed. by the way, you always know what next words wanted to tell if you were in a conversation with people and quick to connect when people talked about something. hey, you should be thankful for what you have got from God. every girl wants some talents of you and you should not have a jealous feeling with others! you're special, so do am i, and so do are others.

but you know? she made me thought about something i never think before. about guys that maybe give some signal and wait for my response. i thought her words have a point of righteousness.

she told me with some consideration from her friend and her brother:

hey, you have lots talents and point plus but did you ever think that guys who wants to approach you consider to your point plus and talents? some guys maybe feel inferior after saw your packaging as a girl. remember it, guys search for girls who have a lower scale of him in every part; just to show girls that they're guys who can protect you or can be proud to you family - friends. if your packaging was so complete, then what should they do? there will be you looked shiner than him and it's a mess! my friend and my brother ever said about this yet. they're guys and have an opinion about girls who can do everything by herself like you. they will fell useless as a guy and nothing can be proud of himself.

so? maybe you should find out a guy who has more skill or maybe something you can't do. it will make your life more complete. your soulmate is determined by God. if you can be a good girl in your family then you will get a great soulmate for your whole life. but never stop improving what you have got!

after heard that, i thought it twice because i felt about it lately. for some guys that maybe have a willing to approach me. my ignorant attitude brings me into a situation i never expect

last words from her which always i remembered:

and you know what? with your activities, talents, and point plus - you could be the best girl. but you should take a not about this in your head! all you had could be a knife with two eyes. you can beat the best of everything or destroy it as soon as possible if you couldn't control it. especially for your love life: it could be reasons why guys adore you but it also could be reasons just to look you from far - once again, an inferior feeling.

no offense to be arrogant :)

thanks S you have opened my lil' eyes about people feeling and your opinions about me. i promise i will consider about our talks.

cheers ♥

badly missing!

i miss you all so badly!

miss every times we had together completely as superb best friends

next year suppose to be a great year when i can hang out with you all again

i'm waiting :D

transformation.

maybe my negative thought trapped me into a bad mindset about my 'home'
but at the first day i stayed, i have a super new friendship!
with a lot of people involve in one circle of friendship from some regions and countries
i have friends from Qatar and Suriname
it's amazing anyway, isn't it?
we can't find friends from that rare country if you didn't have connection with them

my orientation has passed, a whole week full of tiredness
i made a lots friends too in my class, CBN 03 :D
that class can be said so awesome, 3 majors of literature and culture be united in one class
english - china - japanese literature, 74 students with an unbalance comparison of male and female, too much females in this crazy class :p
but there was a problem between one person and i, i try to be neutral
love our motto: prikitiew, which is popularized by sule (one of comedian at Indonesia)
we went to Dufan last week and did lots fun

i'm getting closer with some friends at Binus Square and now i'm starting to miss them
this Friday i will stay at there again, gonna attend a camp briefing from my student association
can't wait until Friday! :)

from new 'home' became my second home!

new 'home'

finally the day has come, i'm inside the meeting room of my 'home'
still alone anyway, i only have one friend in here, my junior high school friend
a girl, she takes IT for her major college, live at tower C room 0524
first impression when i came this place yesterday: it's gonna be a great moment live in here
i skipped the briefing session, now i have to wait for another event at 5 p.m.
hope it will be a good event for all boarders here
maybe i can make some friends
by the way, today i have moved some goods for living here
dictionaries, holy bible, rosary, some things which is gave by my friends and meant a lot for me
the orientation will start next week, and in the whole week i will stay at here, alone
my room was not too bad. a small bed, a cupboard, a chair, a table, a big mirror, an air conditioner
this sunday i will move everything, my room looked empty enough now :(

friendSHIT :)

in the end of June, i have decided to end everything that had connections with you
i thought i should stop writing about anything i want to write
because you will stalk my blog
then, it happened! so what should i do to you?
blog maybe a very super duper social network that people can read everytime anytime anywhere
i can't stop writing, just that
i don't care if you want stalk my blog, it's ok
it means you still care about me though it more impressed like wanna-know-too-much (read: kepo)
about my twitter, should i shut up about this?
if you read this and you got angry, it's your fault anyway
i just write what i feel and you read that, so? you deserve to angry and mumbled?
you don't deserve for it, you choose your action to open my blog
when you see this post, it means you can responsible the risk of your action

i don't wanna make a fight with you
at least, you used to be one of my bestfriends
that's your choice to hoist war flag, i will not pay attention for it
i feel i don't have a serious problem with you, that's you feel about it
i think i don't have to reply anything to you, it will not give me any profit
so walk on your bad thought about me
i don't care about you again
i can write or post updates whatever i want to, you feel that's you? your business
just waste my time if i have to reply and pretend to be kind with you
what we have passed was enough for me


#quoteforyou:
revenge doesn't finish problem but if you wanna avenge me, i will not see you as a human
cheers ♥

hell-o AUGUST!

second day of august already. time flies so fast.
my first post in this month anyway :D
next week gonna be my hell week ever, i must leave my home
for a week maybe? college orientation is waiting for me
two days ahead i will attend to my 'home' to take my own key
then have to attend with my parent, come to parent gathering
eighth august will be my first time sleep over my 'home'


#augustwish:
get a good room, make friends at my 'home', good orientation, can adapt in my new environment
enjoying my college life, be better :D

one place.

now, i'm inside the place when the last we met up
you know what? it meant too much pain for me
i still have to come to this place a lot of memories i can't never forget about you
so? what"s next?
i'm sitting beside our last chairs
looking at that chair, same with my brain's spinning that time
you just my last love, i will find better
:)


anyway,
caramel machiatto and butter croisant have mad my day better :D

grow up!

when i wrote this post, i wondered about my metamorphosis :)
i will start when i was in elementary school grade six.

elementary school.
i used to see people from what they did, didn't wanna see with what they have been thought about, i was too young to think about it :p
i had to face that my elementary friends disliked me because of some reasons
those made me feel that i had to escape from this suck school as soon as possible
anyway, didn't they think about my feeling?
ok, it was just kids, just wanna have fun and being selfish.

junior high school.

my experiences from elementary school was changing me a little bit
i started to open my heart for new people
and that maybe against me
without see what they did, but thinking positively
some cases, i felt like i was on my elementary condition
but i had some friends, maybe people called it with: gangster, always made me happier
i walked this junior high school with smile and happiness until i had to separate

senior high school.

new place. new people. new problems
experiences made me stay strong and struggled everything ahead
i still remembered when i whimpered my mom to get a school moving, i couldn't stand and walk on this hardest situation as a new senior high school student
but my mom said that i had to face it, could or couldn't because the advanced step always more complicated to be walked on. showed them, you were a strong girl
anyway, it worked totally!

and now, this is me
with everything i had outside the schools event, i can stand by myself
i learned from experiences. i promised to not repeat my mistakes twice
being stronger and can give some advices for friends that got into problems i have passed
having a maturer mind and thoughts, being braver to say what i want to
i didn't afraid if people said something that against me
because i have felt some feels of ignoring, revenge, disliked, uselessness, et cetera
i enjoyed my life although i have problems, i have fun though i think of my problems
problems made me better, experiences made me learn

it just depends on me and my responses when i got problems

take it easy, solve it slowly, think it twice or more if don't wanna make mistakes
anyway, mistakes also made me understand with choices and consequences i have taken

i have grown up, oh hell yeah!
gonna grow step by step, slowly but sure :D

ex-seniorhighschool suck!

as a alumnus, can't i meet my ex-teachers?
ok, i understood about new rules that is made by new principle
but i just wanted to legalize my report for college needed
can't you please be nice with a girl alumnus?
you always flirty with guys but with girls? such your enemies
hey! i never remember your kindness since i was finishing my education
for me, you just such a kind of sucker
thanks for making a bad memory about those school
i will never come back to that school if i don't have any business!

200 posts :D

my post 200 posts! :D
28 may 2oo8, my first post. 2 years again, blooming until 200 posts.
feel i'm too talkative anyway :)

last time.

dear M,
the first time i talked about you in my blog, you were just one of my best friend
i never want you to be my boyfriend because it will break our friendship. and it happens. we broke up our relationship and also our friendship. i expected too much about that anyway
when i'm with you, i'm just only me. the original of me
you left me with too much memories we ever had
tears. laugh. smile. love. care. sorrow.
those have making my life colorful. those taught me how to love you deeper
i couldn't say thanks, that word never enough to represent everything about you
by the way, i'm still trying to move on. after you gave me a superb last meeting with you and her
i'm not strong as you see me. i'm not a good pretender as you expect to me
i'm fragile and i'm broken. that's all the words which can be said about me
but i wanna be stronger than ever. i wanna you see me when i can stand by myself without you
you, who bring me down into the lowest point
your name never gonna be disappeared, your action will remove from my brain for sure
but your love still alive in my heart
with that, i will find the better one until i can give my heart to him, not you anymore
after all things happened in our relationship, you can take a new one if you want
the new one who better than me. who can take care of you. who love you deeper than me
because all i want about you is:

you're happy with your  life, with your girlfriend. even not me who stand next to you in front of the altar in one of the church in this world

i'm gonna be so happy if you have found the right one, i promise i will come to your wedding.
now, it's time to let you go. walk my life without you again
and i have closed my chapter when there was still 'you' and 'us' in each pages, next chapter will just only 'me'


this is the last time i write about you in my blog. see you! ♥
with love hug kiss, V

as a bestfriend.

i remembered what have happened to us last year.
since you added my blackberry pin, we were maybe starting to be close again.
feel so sorry for hear that, with what i have inflicted after i left you.
thanks God you still want to be friend. i don't know the reason yet, you never told me. but you said you have
something you hide from me, i will wait it until you want to tell me
happy to have a friend like you :)

happy for you :)

what do you mean with that girl?
i already was NOT a part from your life again since i decided it last month. i never regret about it, never ever. but why you so fast get a new one?
jealous? oh sincerely yes. shock? oh hell yeah. sad? maybe. but envy? definitely no!
the most question for you is: why must she?
you know what i feel about her. you know she never likes me. and then? i have to see you sit next to her.
she wants the best for you, it's so good. she called and asked me to come to meet her, firstly i didn't want accepted it. my feeling wasn't well for it. well, i met her at the last.
and what did i see? i thought i would see her ALONE. in fact, there was you. enjoyed her spoiled action.
i didn't want to know about again. i decided to resist everything about you. i didn't want to hear your explain to me about that. i just want to and have to let you go from my life as an ex-partner. do i wrong?
for your healthiness reason, i sheer you off. i do this with my honest heart because you need it.
for those girl, hope she will make you happy and give the best she can until i can see both you stand above dais on which the bridal couple sits. have a happily ever after love story and only death can make both of you apart


i'm happy for you honestly :)

psychotic?

it's been 5 years (maybe), you did those unlogic action
what do you want? what do you need? a confession? an attention?
is there insufficient help from others? is there any shortage?
you realized what you have done, you knew what was going on your environment. but could you please behave?
where's your brain? where's your consciousness? where's your heart?
you have giving pains for people around you especially for people inside your home. have you satisfied?
everyone gives what you wants, afraid if you lose your control and start to mess up again. do you never conscious with all things you do?
the very important thing is you have ruined my beloved people! you such a mess maker for me, for my family! if you did it once twice or maybe thrice, i still can forgive you. but 5 years is not a brief time. many ways have done to make you better, to comfort you, to realize you that you have to accept the truth for your life.
is that nonsense to you? so you still coerce people to understand you
if people try to speak about the life's truth, you play with your own mindset and resist their advice, adhere to your wrong perception
too many people try to help you,  too many people try to understand you, too many events try to conscious you. and everything seems so worst in your eyes because no one support your action and perception. it happened because everyone loves you! everyone wants you get your own happiness with everything you have started. be responsible as a woman, behave like a mature woman, not like a child who permits all ways to get what you want.

and can i call you a psychotic?

family day!

himawan malik's (ko mingming) wedding ♥

ALILA hotel, pecenongan

that's why i always say i have a super big family!

18 nephews, 8 nieces, 9 grand children :)

just 4 cousins didn't come for some reason

congratulations! :D

GI with some cousins ♥

excelso then benhill apartment :)

july's first post.

say hi to july! i know it's not a first day on july, in the middle of the month anyway :p
16 days have left, too much events this month.
i will try to post it as soon as possible
happy july then! :D

the differences, 'bestfriends'

i have posted about 'bestfriends' yet on last may. then, it continued until today. and i still close my mouth to not throw rude words off in front of y'all. you know what? i never wanna hurt my bestfriends, never. that's what i do to you previously. i try to understand you, always try to concede for your selfishness, try to be a good best friend, and always always try to be beside you whenever you need me
now, i'm done for all of those suck things. there's no take and give between me, you, and you.
first, you just look for me when you need someone to talk. find me when there's no friend you can invite to go to. remember me when you were in sadness.
second, you never look for me when you're having fun with your friends. if another 'bestfriend' didn't ask you to hang out together, you will not care about your old 'bestfriends'. and even you didn't pay attention for the information i have told you, you asked me again innocently.
the last, i ever try to talk about it kindly sincerely. but before my words exit from my lip, i have lost my mood to talk about it. i thought it's nonsense to be talked between us because it will make an issue and fight. i know your character and i also know talk about it never finish our problem, just make a new one. so, what i have to do? so sorry, i'm too tired to pay attention of you
it's not my fault why i do this to you, you guys should take an introspection to yourself. instead of judging me that i don't want hanging out with you again. should i tell you? i thought i shouldn't, you're getting older. it means you can consider what you have done good or bad. and me, never wanna take my attention to you again. believe or not. i'm too hurt to have a communication with you.

everything changes, you decided to change and so did me. if you wanna overwhelm any faults to me, you have to see the mirror and take a reflection with what you have done lately to our friendSHIT, 'bestfriends'

home.

today is the last day of june. tomorrow will be the first day on july. time flies so fast, i'm counting my days before i have to move to a dorm, august soon. maybe i just have one month more at home everyday, eat my mom's cooks everyday, sleep on my comfort bed every night, enjoy my quality time with my dad mom brother, become a spoiled girl in my home, watch tv beside my family, fad my family, be managed by my mom and dad, etc.
too much to be my consequences when i leave my home for my college life. i still can go back to my home, just one time in every week but it can't repay how much time i have wasted with them. i just have a little excited to face the truth that i have to leave my home. i hope when i'm in there, i will get new friends that can be my second home for me. just to change my family position for a while before i go back to home. 5 months, yeah, it feels brief but for me, it feels so long. i'm gonna miss my home actually
and now, i have a lil' bit desire to go out from my home. a lil' bit laziness. i wanna spend my time at home with my family :)

it's done.

you flew off with the wings of my heart and left me flightless

~Stelle Atwater

the consequence of love is when love broke, it just have to be tough to leave it behind and start for a new chapter. definitely feel so hard while the process of leaving but when it have passed, love can be seen with another side. make it better if get a new one, experience makes
i'm in the process of leaving. i'm in the one of my test part to be better. and i'm trying to be willing let him go from my life because we're not meant to be together at all after almost  two years struggling to be accepted. too hurt to be true anyway. i'm in the middle of pressure. my family hit me to be on their side, close their eyes about him. and he hit me to be on his side, close his eyes about my family. then, which side i have to choose? i tried to be neutral, didn't take sides between one of them but once again i have to choose. i remembered when i told about these to my friend, he said implicitly to choose my family because family is the only one who will be by my side in every moment i got. i realized about it and thanks friend!
even hard and full of tears, i still try to let him go. somehow when i want to fix, there will always be a fight between him and i. so, it has to be marks that we have to be apart not together. i want everything fine, my family accepted me and he still by my side. but it's so selfish, isn't it? i already chose which side i belong to and i have to commit with that. i knew, inside my deepest heart i have made a true choice (maybe). still got a doubt about it. i tired to struggle about this
and finally, it's done

good bye, girl ♥

we're gonna miss you :)

L-ing

just a title of a novel i have read today but it insinuated me about something i have done yet so far. some cases, there was a same between me and the personage in this thing was about Ava Torino. same in falling in love with, guy with a killing disease. but the difference was the response. she never thought to give up and still accompany him even when the death pick him up, she was not beside him. but me? i think to give up because of those tiredness that would kill me softly. i still have to struggle in condition that my family was not accepted my relationship. especially when my mom take my ring from M over me and never give it back to me because she didn't like i wore those ring (my dad also told these). that's my right HELLO? okay, i don't wanna talk about this again. it made my wound opened again. anw, those L novel taught me about something was to not wasting you time with someone who you were not falling in love with or someone who never take your love also your soul from your body to give him only. being single before get the real soul-mate is better than pretending to love someone. thanks L, you made me realized something i still confuse with :)

give up?

one year more i have waited to be accepted by my family about him. one year more i still struggle with all of those things. pretended everything would be fine but inside i knew it would be worse. sometimes, i thought to leave him. it's better maybe because i don't have to hurt anybody especially my dad, my mom, and your family. i sacrificed my own self-interest, my feeling to him. i realize everything will change, it prevailed too with you me us. but it just too hard, very very very hard to make it happen. to leave you. to go from his life. it should be better if i stay with him, together as a couple of life's partner. i knew if i still with him, i will hurt my family.
i got my own pressure from two side, my family and him. both of them were very important for me. i couldn't choose one of them to be prioritized. i have no energy to be patient. i wanted everything fine, walked in peaceness. am i wrong? i told my best friend today about my tiredness. and i felt so tired. she knew about it. i always told about him to her. i just wanted to share something i couldn't hold it alone.
now, should i give up?

first anniversary :)

MAY 17th, 2009

first day when our story was begun in a new chapter of life. first day when we decided to be united and tried to know each other closely. 5 months ago, we still stuck in a bad phase and so selfish to mean each other. we have broke up for 2 months than started ours again until now. many feelings we have got from those, hurt happy sad love affection. it just made us better, the problems made us mature.
anw, happy first anniversary sweetheart ♥
it would be the second, third and more until we close our eyes forever. blissful for having you in my life :)
the tenderness i felt made me so desperately in love with you. even there was too much problems, we still together. and it always been you who always made me falling so deep
wish all the best for me, you, and us.we have to be better for ours after everything came lately.
i love you, M

heartbeat

heartbeat could be weak day by day, it could take a rest forever. only God knows when it could be and human couldn't oppose what God has decided. as human, afraid - scared - worry - anxious always frighten us wherever we will go

your heartbeat could be weak but i always here for you. i just want you to hold on until we get our own happiness and walk for it. but when God said you're done, i will allow you to leave because i want you get your peace. i knew i was your second heart, you want me to be tough and always strong but i'm not strong as you thought. i'm gonna be weak day by day after you left, gonna be broken slowly. i couldn't promise you that i will walk my life as usual because i knew i couldn't. but i promise will be your side until one of our heartbeat has to break. i love you, M ♥

about time :)

i have learned much from one page of my life
you, who always by my side taught me a lotta lifes' values and brought new new spirit for me
i knew you were getting worse of your healthy day by day until you pulled your promise to stay with me forever. i understood about it. you realized that i never been ready to loss you in my life. we such a couple who afraid by time and God's plan. sometimes i thought we were meant together forever and ever but i'm awaken by my heart voice and those made me stronger to face the truth about you and us


it's only about time. yeah, when i heard my heart voice, i felt one more time chance to not give up to get happiness. even i knew time flies too fast, i just have to use the chance and make it best until God say: it's done
losing someone who you love at the most always hurt and made us down - weak, but you know? when the "it's done" words was said by God, it means that we're done to do our portion in our life for people around us. maybe the way of saying was not fine with an accident, illness, et cetera (suicide is not accepted for God!) but every losing has a message to be understood. everyone must to exceed those part. before the part happen, we just have to enjoy life, make best memories to remember when we have to leave this world, don't waste your time for something that unimportant.
oh yeah, my religion taught me about this:
please be nice when you're living in this world because when you have to face the recent court and when you were asked: what have you done in your life? how about your responsibility? you could answer it without any obstacles. one very important thing was even you did so much goodness in your life such as read bible everyday, went to church, join charities, et cetera; but when you couldn't answer one of the question and responsible for what you have done, it made your scale of goodness and unlawfulness unbalance. your unlawfulness part would be so high just with one unaswer question :)

chicken AGAIN! ♥

oh G! to be honest, i still didn't get your way of pretend that you were loving someone. you looked like only utilized girls' feeling then you threw them away when you got bored of them. and for God sake, you're extremely having a chicken attitude who protected yourself from faults and change the truth. it would like you were so guiltless. overwhelmed the mistakes to your ex-partner, your brainwash to your friends was TOTALLY COOL! *standing applause*
 karma does exist, chicken. and you will receive what you have did to people with replies in kind. enjoy your day, be the best chicken i ever knew in my life! you're still the best chicken and will always be


anw, i have a quote for you:
chicken always been a chicken, your dream to be a peacock was too high for a chicken like you!

i'm graduate!

after a week waiting for the announcement, finally i got it!
i can pass the national exams and school's. so, i'm graduate :D
i have finished my high school year  for 3 years. but i didn't really satisty with the result :(
thanks God anw (:
still waiting for graduation celebration on may 21th
and vacation to Bali with my school mates! awesome :p

hey 'bestfriends'

hey, hello 'bestfriends'  ♥ 

how long we have been together? for a relation that called 'friendship'. it thought it was quiet long, more than 3 years, right? if i didn't wrong to count it. and what did we get from our 'friendship' so far? maybe i got mistakes to you but you didn't tell me like a bestfriend. you talked behind me maybe, gossiped me in front of the other that maybe i never know about them. i do not judge you, but your action made me think that you were not so matching to be called bestfriend. how many times i have told that you have disappointed me? sometimes maybe. i have tried to tell you about those but your responses? just made me wanna vomit in front of you, so you will realize how disappointed me to write your name on my bestfriend list ever. let me see, i considered that when we have been separated by different school, it might make some transformation depended on you. first time when i felt the difference, i started to think that just our school environment changed us but day by day, everything made me open my eyes that the difference between us was too far. i didn't get any compatibility with you again as before. i tried to use my portion and to understand you, accept you as you are but i thought you were out of control. you did whatever you want with your own way, i apologized at you firstly. i never can't follow your way that it was not me at all. i do not want to finish our 'friendship', you have to know this. besides, you still did your selfishness and it made me sure that i have to make a distance with you just to prevent a fight.

we were still friends. but not bestfriends.

anw, i wanna say thanks to you 'bestfriends'. and i just wanna have bestfriends, not 'bestfriends' who act like a shit! best wishes for you, 'bestfriends' ♥

love, affection, confidence

because of love, affection, confidence - i gave you everything inside of me without any exception
 

those answer which i always gave to you when you asked me why.
those which made me stay whenever whatever however.
those still planted on my mind even problems came too much.

you know what? i knew my past life was too bad for a girl who still on second grade of high school year. i realized that i was too confident with myself to enter your life. and i convinced you will never accept my life as it was. but i tried to change, i have attempted myself to be better so i fit to be near with you. you changed everything, you said you wanted to try to be a bad boy with playing with many girls, smoking, and clubbing. you wanted to be worse than me so you couldn't say i was a bad girl. you turned yourself as before you met me. an ignorant behaviour, just answer if i asked you, turn off your cellphone, rejected my calls, acted like i was not there. you knew i hurted, i cried and so did you. but you made your heart like a stone. what did you want from me? i have said a lot of words and tried to sure you that i need you, i love you. if you wanted me to follow your role, i would if it just the only one way to make you stay with me again.
you can change yourself and your feeling to me but i will not change anything in myself about you. i still the same, still waiting for you even i knew you change to be not you again as i accepted you beforely. an honest love and a pure love will only give to you, you're the winner of my heart though there will another better than you.

a confession

i'm yours. and you're mine.

forever :')

high emotion first day on holiday :(

feel so regret i rejected my friends invitation to have fun at waterboom PIK. so bored at home because my mom always talked nonstop. oh G! mom, could you please stop your mouth just for hours then? i need my peace holiday. i have just one day at home but i have to hear your griping about this and that. my holiday is so long, mom. 5 months! :(

and the truth always won :D

for a long long long time, i've been telling my friend that she has been played by a chicken. but she didn't hear me until i got tired to tell and open her eyes about those thing. so i thought i have to be silent and ignoring them. just few days after i thought, she told me that those chicken would end everything after school's final exam. AHA! it was a shitty man. didn't you look on the mirror about your action? so poor you boy. acted like a chicken who just spoke too much but action was A BIG ZERO. if you want to mad on some people, you have to introspect what you have done. you can mad then. and now, i glad to know that my friend ended with you. super duper like those! just play with your sucks game. you will see how sucks you are.
anw, congrats my friend! you have a new life without those chicken. i'm happy for you, super! :D

a day before a freedom

tomorrow will be my last day for school and study for all unwanted thing. i will get my freedom for a very long long long holiday! excited for the first time, and bored at the last. so sad :p

i used to.

i used to tell you that i won't let you go again from my life. yeah, it used to.
now i really understand when you answered me: i will stay. you put your finger in front of my lip then: keep silent sweetheart. we spent our time in silence, no word to say. nothing to do. i love you, words i still made me melting when you said to me. i hate to say that you're not by my side now because i need you concretely. talking to me like a child with a cute voice but it sucks :p
i ask you why about this and that but you only answer me: i have no reason for everything i have done with you. even the most pain suffer you, you still stand strongly. i start to talk about future when you worn me a ring: i will marry you, the only one i want to. you prevented everything that maybe made ours indanger. the sweet action for what we have through together: i miss you deeply madly truly.

logic vs feeling.

men used logic.
women used feeling.
was it true? perhaps :p


sorry if someone or anyone felt alluded. but i have no word to say anything again. because you were so dumb and stubborn. my friend and i have said anything we could say until we said out rude words from the zoo. but you're still same. nothing changes. still stupid for being love slave of him.
even love made our life colorful, we still have to consider when love made you like a very super duper idiot. i love my boyfriend, he was so far away from me. but when he did something that annoyed me or unappriciated me, i will leave him as soon as possible after i gave him a chance to make some motion forward.
but you? stuck in one place. not moving. like an idiot. he hurts you honey! where's your brain, huh? you're a young girl with talents and gorgeous. but you wasted your time for a boy who just made you so terrible. every person has known what he has did to you, and he supposed to be judged bad or maybe worst because he never aprriciated you as a girl who has a self esteem. you have been trampled by him but you were too scared to know and confess about it. you were running from the truth.
if people stamped him as a bad boy, it was a truth! you just defended him from people. he just a boy who want to have fun with you. he approached you when he wanted to but he left you when he didn't want you.
i can't overwhelm everything to him because you have a mistake too. you are giving him an oppotunity to trample you as a trash and slave. so? not just him, you too.

first day on april.

APRIL MOP! :p
anw, today i can get my holiday from school. but i still have to prepare the material for practical exam next week. speaking english test, indonesian speech test, music test for individual and group, religion test - the tenth God's command with the values inside. so, is it calling with holiday?
tomorrow is the good friday! time flies so fast, huh? :(
i count my day before the last day i will go to school. maybe just 1 week efective days.

happy bday to me! :D

thanks for the surprise guys! love you all :D

heart's escape.

did you remember about october last year? yeah, we broken off with some reason.
and after we decided to separate, i lost my heart. everything.
so when i was very close with one of my boy friend, i victimized him for being my heart's escape just because i needed your attendence in my life. i tried to replace you with another boy after everything left us hurtly.
for 2 months i have done my escape. i went with him, watched movies, chit chat, telephoning, messaging, chatting, accompanying in sad or happy condition, and more. i thought, i could forget you, started a new relationship with others. forgot ours. oh hell yeah, i did it not just with one boy but 3 at once. i knew i was crazy.
in my escaping period, i didn't get anything. still felt empty even they have done the same like you or maybe more. and i realized, i have hurted them. they confessed to me that they have a feeling for me.
when one of them held my hand, i just kept silence. felt like it was you who held my hand tightly.
when one of them telephoned or messaged me, i just replied it. felt like it was you who did it to me.
when one of them went with me to somewhere, i just followed him. felt like it was you who walked beside me.
i was dumb. i was stupid. i was selfish. i didn't think about their feeling.
my heart's escape was finished when you started to communicate with me again. just friend for the first time. slowly but sure, it made us recognized what we have done so far was so precious too leave. we still have the feeling of loving (:
and everything turned back into usual. then my escape boy? i don't know. conciously, i took a distance. but one of them have a wall face. the other one confessed to me that he just waited for me and queued. and the last one? he has just got a new girlfriend. i'm happy for you too the last one. sorry i have hurted you all.
these was my first confession after i shared with my best last monday. thanks girls! you were the best ever! :D

fragile heart.

A fragile heart was broken before

I don't think it could endure another pain

But there's a voice from deep inside of you

That's calling out to make you realize

That this new bond gives inspiration

To all who feel no love appeal no more

So how can I break this wall around you

That's aiding both our hearts to grow in pain

So forget your past, and we can dream tomorrow

Save our hearts for card and lovin too

It's hard I know, but oh

One thing for sure

Don't go and break this fragile heart

A hurting mind in need of emotion

I don't think I could endure another pain

But baby in you, I've found affection

Affection I have never felt before

So don't let your past destroy what comes tomorrow

Don't go and break my fragile heart

With all this fire that burns between us

There's so much to lose

Yet so much more to gain

And if I could, choose the world around me

The world I'd choose would all revolve around you

So help me complete the game inside me

And help to mend my fragile heart

sung by: westlife (:

me.

me. nothing to care. just a worthless word when your selfishness turn out and drive my life as your role. i don't get any freedom again. thanks!

simple but meant a lot

you asked me for a gift, i said NO.
because all i want in my birthday is you.
i never asked you for giving me any kind of gift, goods, or anything that could be exchanged by money,
i just wanted you to give me your unlimited and your unconditional love for me. just for me. none else.
you gave me a ring to be your fiancee. i accepted as it was.
i don't look into the price but i look inside your heart how honest you gave me a ring just to make a step forward for becoming yours forever.

simple but meant a lot.

earth hour

today! march 27th, 2010. let's join the earth hour program to make our world could be more exsit for a long time. turn off your light or something that related with an energy for just one hour. from 8.30 p.m. until 9.30 p.m. isn't it easy? please respect your environment. and take care of our world even just a little thing to do (:

too much action from you.

maybe these world has just been crazy until a boy could reply what a girl has done. i'm outsider before i knew the problem from my best. when i looked from the outside, sorry i have to write these. you're not a gentleman as a man! if you felt that it wasn't you, just kept silence. not reply the action. where's your good behaviour, huh? maybe i don't know you more, but when you were dating with my best, you such as a best boy. you sacrificed everything to her. but know? HELLOOO? you acted like it wasn't you.
she also had a mistakes to you. i confess honestly. but please, you were a boy, weren't you? when she wants to apologize at you, i said: NO! there's a big NO. how can you imagine that you have apologized but the reponses just made you hurt? scream at her (you never did these!), overwhelmed all faults to her such she did an unfogiven mistakes. hey, did you realized who was the girl you have been dating for almost 3 years lately? then when you bored at her, you left her as a trash? and did an annoying action? sorry, for the man side. you're too much action to do boy!

THANKS people!

who's friend? a place to share what you want to share? oh hell yeah, that's right. i forced myself to tell you about the truth of my love life. maybe it wasn't your type about a guy or maybe you didn't want to take a care to me. i'm fine, THANKS! i just want to be honest with you as my besties. i talked what i thought you have to know about me then i would hear good responses before i take a new step. but once again, THANKS! i decided to not share anything about my love life with you again. no more. just one time i have shared but you disappointed me. let me tell you:

i don't need your 'kind' action. i don't need your hypocrisies! i hate you when you act like you were an angel that have given me a best action to do. a best advice to do. i shared to you, hoped i would take some advices. RESPECTS. your way of delivery your words hasn't made me respect at you. if i was wrong, tell me it was. but not with your annoying action and words. i hate your face when you talked to me about these. if i could, i wanted to break your neck!
oh ok, if you said: boys were still much in these world if you want to search. didn't stuck your heart for one boy. you didn't know what they have done behind you. and the fixed reason from your dad, it could make you have a reason to leave him. anw, what have you kept from your relationship? he was so far from you. there were many boys could act like him, not only him.

thanks for your words. i knew you meant good. but sorry if i have to leave him. you have to know how the love fastened off you. and you will do everything to exist what your faith said. you have to get a boyfriend who will make you like this. your selfishness about a boy will change when you have to fight your relationship in front of your family, your friends that don't accept him as he is.
and i confessed at you: i have disappointed to have 'besties' like you.

national exams!

today is my fourth day for the national exams. it meant tomorrow will be the last!
anw, so far so good. except: math. i did some stupid mistakes.
wish me luck for tomorrow!


two practical exam weeks is waiting. then school exams. then i'm totally FREE :D

i missed.

see the picture please. then i started to think that i will never feel it again.
i missed my handphone ringing for your call or just your message.
i missed your words when you said to me and wrote on the message.
i missed your care for every single time we have spent.
i missed your laugh when you laughed for my stupidities
i missed your voice when you said: i love you
i missed your action to make me calm
i missed your message just to say: good night, good luck for the exams, good morning, and any kinds of little things but it was so meaningful for me


i know i can't live without you. i tried so very hard to adapt myself that i can stand alone, without you. but it just made me more realize, i can't. oh hell yeah, i have lied at you when i said i'm not missing you. and then, i wanna scream at you that i missed you a lot, really, truly, deeply, definitely, absolutely, perfectly :(

one name.

one name that i always mention in my night pray
prayed for the best for us, let God lead us to His best ways
i called your name, really missed the time when we spent it together
and actually prayed because i wanted you to be my dream ever night
it will decrease my longing feeling. i wish

one name that i always remember in every second i've spent
whatever i wanted to do, your words have been living.
i prevented stupid actions, i did what we promised before
and really wanted you beside me, spent our time as usual
it will add my unlimited love for you more and more, i swear

one name that came into my life for one year lately
being thankful for your presence, felt how big was your love to me
i never expected we will through it all further
and definitely needed you for the rest of life, we'll be a partner in future life
it will be colorful my flat life. being alive again, i prove

one name that always be my strength in every things i've lived
when i was hopeless, you came to me with a lot of advice to lift me up
i felt i could finish all of my problems, indeed to face the worst truth
and readily gave you more than you've given to me, even i couldn't be more than you
it will supply more power for my complicated life, i wonder

one name that ingrained in my heart without reasons, always loved purely whatever it happens.
didn't know now it could happen, everything came so fast and my adapted nicely
i never wanted to ask: why because it failed, i have no reason for it
and absolutely seek you to be the last, none if not you, be the best, never made you regret
it will dwell as the beautifulest memory for us, i mean


P.S: V's

your words.

when i asked you: 'why did you do all of this? made pains'
i'm mad at you, i'm angry! i can't controlled my anger. i can't hold my words to say everything that will hurt you.
i decided to leave you, didn't survive for all of those things. not until one day,

you told me:
never leave me - i couldn't.
you could leave me, but i couldn't. you could look for another guy that better from me. if you have found it, i'll allow you to leave me. because when you're happy, i'll too. never asked me to leave you. maybe i'm not the best for you, always hurt you with all of my behaviour ,  made you hate me, i'm too bad in your eyes. but i'll not look for another girl, you're the only one woman whom i want to marry in church in the right time.
so even i'll know another girl that maybe better than you, i just want to make you being mine forever. many people knew about me but only you who knew me inside and deepest, you knew what people didn't know, indeed you knew what i didn't know. how could i leave you when i realized that you're the best for me?

after you told these, we were starting fo fight again. for one week. i want to give up, but my heart voice said no! and i'm still standing here for us. i'll never leave you, i'll wait until you prove your words to me, and i'll lay myself to yourself, believing in you that you can take care of me - my love - my heart.




P.S: V's

deepest condolences.

26.o2.1o
3 days ago, my juniors have passed away because of crashed. it was so shocked, none expected for these, even me. whereas i just sent two of them a joke after school last thursday.
but, there was no question for 'why'. we through it with faith that God already has the best way for them though the way wasn't too good to be true. people felt of loosing especially for the classmates. my school for other grade also felt these, we were maybe not know well. but we knew they were our friends in the same school.
anw apart from the fact that they were driven above 120km/hour, we have to see and concerned what they have got. it was pure accident, none wanted about that. we just prayed for them, for they peacefulness.
and for the families, be strong and bear up. we knew it was hardest to live but we hope our spirits and our supports can bring you up and accept all of this gracefully.
good bye friends. we will always love you and stay up our memories in our heart. may God give you rest in peace. the best place in the world to see your beloved people from above. we will meet you soon, what for us guys (:


btw, three of you has given me lessons about life. thanks for all of it.

listen!

Listen to the song here in my heart
A melody I start but can't complete
Listen to the sound from deep within
It's only beginning to find release

Oh, the time has come for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your own all 'cause you won't
Listen

Listen, I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried to say what's on mind
You should have known

Oh, now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what you made of me
I followed the voice you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own

You should have listened, there is someone here inside
Someone I thought had died so long ago
Oh, I'm screaming out and my dreams'll be heard
They will not be pushed aside on words
Into your own all 'cause you won't

Listen
I don't know where I belong
But I'll be moving on
If you don't, if you won't



sung by: beyonce (: