12.11.2011
11.26.2011
an unchanged.
I stay awake in the midnight, can't sleep. and, can't stop thinking about you. can't refusing my heart that you're too deep to dwell inside me. after one year and 2 months we had been through together, I only regret what I did in your last day. I didn't even say anything to you, give any supports, or just visit you for once. how bad I am, right? trying to convince myself that I have forgot you is my biggest lie. in every time I see people kissing, I remember you when your lips touch mine tenderly. in every hard time, I imagine how your fingers fit to mine to support me and lift me up. in every happy time, I miss your tight hug. I am madly missing you, yes I am. only if I can turn back the time when I, at least, can make you live longer like you ever told me, I will do it. I'm not good enough to be with you, not even better to lighten your life. I just can disappoint you.
how do I miss you, dear. I want your smile back to me. I want your hugs. I want you kiss me on my forehead. I want to hear your voice. I want your messages. I want our sweet kissing. I want your hands fill my emptiness. I want your heart. I love you. really really love you, from my deepest heart.
you never come back anymore. you never can be mine. you are too far.
I dreamt about your for many times. when I wake up, I check my phones. hope there will be messages from you as you always do to me. I can't sleep well, I used to text you and you would accompany me until I fell asleep. I used to tell you if I already woke up. I stay away from fights because I remember how I can lose my control when I get mad especially when we were fighting. I change my bad attitudes only to make you comfort with me. I miss hearing your voices every day, when I could not focus, you calmed me down. I will always remember that day when I called you after we broke up and you still called me "baby" while you tried to calm me down because of my brother's kidnapping day. I rarely want to look someone in the eyes like I did to you, I only want to see your beautiful eyes sharpen on my eyes deeply. I still save the necklace we had together and a your initial name phone accessories. do you do the same? I'm envy to see happy couples. I'm afraid of loving, you are the only one I love until now or forever.
you left me with much pains, but I do love it because it gains more memories with you. I can't never forget when you told me honestly that you ever tried to approach a girl while we postponed our relationship. you tried to hold her hands. I cried out loud, it was just the most painful time even though you said you only tried to make sure yourself that I could be replaced. I also can't forget one time when you wanted me to meet you after a short decision to break up. I met you, only you and I. we spent our quality time together, I remembered how you said that you could not let me go. you hold me hand tightly. we did our sweetest kissing in our life, we make it. our greatest day that made us stronger to stand for our relationship. I was sorry for hurting your lip when I kissed you, I was too jealous to hear about your action to that girl. I did not want you belong to another girl except me, and only me. you ever said that you believed we would be together until the last time of our life, grow old together as a sweet couple. you kept supporting me, warn me if I did a mistake even to my parent who did not accept our relationship. I can't never forget when you told me to close my eyes if I miss you. honestly, I still do that thing and it's successful to always bring me back to our memories we have ever had together.
I give all I have to you. we already discussed about our future life, we planned for it. I just can stop smiling when you called me with love, sweetheart, baby, and the most important is, jelek. your special name to me :)
now, you are already gone. forever. I only can hope you are happy with your life when I'm not around. you always know that my heart still belongs to you. I wish I could have one chance to experience my life with you again. feel your love, hold my hands, tighten your hug, and meet your lips on mine. just wishing that is really impossible. sometimes, I really want to meet you and prove your words that you don't love me anymore by kissing your lips because you never can lie to me when we are kissing, even only a small lie. you never can be replaced by anyone in this world, my first love.
and been 3 months, dear.
I love you, M.
:)
how do I miss you, dear. I want your smile back to me. I want your hugs. I want you kiss me on my forehead. I want to hear your voice. I want your messages. I want our sweet kissing. I want your hands fill my emptiness. I want your heart. I love you. really really love you, from my deepest heart.
you never come back anymore. you never can be mine. you are too far.
I dreamt about your for many times. when I wake up, I check my phones. hope there will be messages from you as you always do to me. I can't sleep well, I used to text you and you would accompany me until I fell asleep. I used to tell you if I already woke up. I stay away from fights because I remember how I can lose my control when I get mad especially when we were fighting. I change my bad attitudes only to make you comfort with me. I miss hearing your voices every day, when I could not focus, you calmed me down. I will always remember that day when I called you after we broke up and you still called me "baby" while you tried to calm me down because of my brother's kidnapping day. I rarely want to look someone in the eyes like I did to you, I only want to see your beautiful eyes sharpen on my eyes deeply. I still save the necklace we had together and a your initial name phone accessories. do you do the same? I'm envy to see happy couples. I'm afraid of loving, you are the only one I love until now or forever.
you left me with much pains, but I do love it because it gains more memories with you. I can't never forget when you told me honestly that you ever tried to approach a girl while we postponed our relationship. you tried to hold her hands. I cried out loud, it was just the most painful time even though you said you only tried to make sure yourself that I could be replaced. I also can't forget one time when you wanted me to meet you after a short decision to break up. I met you, only you and I. we spent our quality time together, I remembered how you said that you could not let me go. you hold me hand tightly. we did our sweetest kissing in our life, we make it. our greatest day that made us stronger to stand for our relationship. I was sorry for hurting your lip when I kissed you, I was too jealous to hear about your action to that girl. I did not want you belong to another girl except me, and only me. you ever said that you believed we would be together until the last time of our life, grow old together as a sweet couple. you kept supporting me, warn me if I did a mistake even to my parent who did not accept our relationship. I can't never forget when you told me to close my eyes if I miss you. honestly, I still do that thing and it's successful to always bring me back to our memories we have ever had together.
I give all I have to you. we already discussed about our future life, we planned for it. I just can stop smiling when you called me with love, sweetheart, baby, and the most important is, jelek. your special name to me :)
now, you are already gone. forever. I only can hope you are happy with your life when I'm not around. you always know that my heart still belongs to you. I wish I could have one chance to experience my life with you again. feel your love, hold my hands, tighten your hug, and meet your lips on mine. just wishing that is really impossible. sometimes, I really want to meet you and prove your words that you don't love me anymore by kissing your lips because you never can lie to me when we are kissing, even only a small lie. you never can be replaced by anyone in this world, my first love.
and been 3 months, dear.
I love you, M.
:)
11.12.2011
another heart's problem.
I should bravely say that I haven't moved on yet. such only doing a stupid thing which makes me get back to the same positions, same spot. I've tried, but I only got nothing.
you're just a part of my little pieces bittersweet memories. you're only my past.
why I'd be better when I don't meet anyone who looks a like with you. can You give me some clues or signs, God? I'm kinda tired of this situation. I just can't stand up anymore.
meeting a boy who is really same with his attitudes, his face, his hair, his action - reaction, and his smile.
meeting a boy who is really same with his name, his hobby, his anger, and his position on football game.
meeting a boy who is really same with his eyes, his jobs, his ignorance, and his kindness.
what a life! 2 months lately is being such a super month for me.
you're just a part of my little pieces bittersweet memories. you're only my past.
why I'd be better when I don't meet anyone who looks a like with you. can You give me some clues or signs, God? I'm kinda tired of this situation. I just can't stand up anymore.
meeting a boy who is really same with his attitudes, his face, his hair, his action - reaction, and his smile.
meeting a boy who is really same with his name, his hobby, his anger, and his position on football game.
meeting a boy who is really same with his eyes, his jobs, his ignorance, and his kindness.
what a life! 2 months lately is being such a super month for me.
10.18.2011
"just fine"
am just not a good liar anymore. at least, in front of you.
should I hold this tears longer? the condition does not support me at all. to tell you everything I really want to.
and now, let me try to hold.
until it has to be explode or gonna be an explosion. bigger than I think about.
I know the risk, I'll take it. good or bad.
keeping it in my mind, only me and God know.
somehow, I should be stronger. but this problem drowns me into the lowest level of my life.
I am "just fine"
:)
should I hold this tears longer? the condition does not support me at all. to tell you everything I really want to.
and now, let me try to hold.
until it has to be explode or gonna be an explosion. bigger than I think about.
I know the risk, I'll take it. good or bad.
keeping it in my mind, only me and God know.
somehow, I should be stronger. but this problem drowns me into the lowest level of my life.
I am "just fine"
:)
10.06.2011
(not) only about you.
people hate critics. I'm quite fine for it, at least now. by time I realize, something what makes me sick is looking people who think they are the perfect one or the best one to do that. everyone has their own problem, what do make you like the right one? I try to understand your problem inside, after tons of efforts you do. at the end, you should know that what you have just did is a part of licking your own saliva as you ever told me so.
"above the sky, there is still the sky"
you can be proud of your team. but you can never be proud of others. never ever. because your point is only for the better condition inside your team. you think you do not need the others who always support you. hey, you're not the expert one! is there a big difference between your team and the other team? you always say that we are ONE family, but where is it? where should I look for that words?
I blame it on myself for this, for times I can not count for if I have this thought over and over again. maybe, this is my problem who can not accept your team. so, in the end, my voice should not be heard to everyone for anything goods. because you always tackle everything with any reasons that make people accept this. you told me to grow up, and when I move growing, I realize that I should not put any respects to you.
it is (not) only about you. thinking about others is good, if you can see from another side you never see.
"above the sky, there is still the sky"
you can be proud of your team. but you can never be proud of others. never ever. because your point is only for the better condition inside your team. you think you do not need the others who always support you. hey, you're not the expert one! is there a big difference between your team and the other team? you always say that we are ONE family, but where is it? where should I look for that words?
I blame it on myself for this, for times I can not count for if I have this thought over and over again. maybe, this is my problem who can not accept your team. so, in the end, my voice should not be heard to everyone for anything goods. because you always tackle everything with any reasons that make people accept this. you told me to grow up, and when I move growing, I realize that I should not put any respects to you.
it is (not) only about you. thinking about others is good, if you can see from another side you never see.
9.30.2011
a-'boom'-boost
thank God I already passed one event that really afraid about happily even though it was far from my plan especially for the participants. everything was good either :)
BUT, it's not the end of my busy day. beside I have to concern about my lecturing days, I suppose to finish my last job as one of consumption division for the next two days event. OK, it seems not very hard too. in fact, there are still so much to do to be finished in this last two days.
I surely can say that my expectation for this division is disappointed. in one side, I disrespect with the committee and should underline this: my coordinator, indeed. don't know how to say but I almost do her job myself because she was far way to be reached for and hardly to be phoned or communicated. in condition that this division still only had a lil' progress for the day. anyway, it's already better. I mean, the preparation only needs some things to do again, but STILL I don't know about the progress and the data don't synchronize with equipment division. kinda tired of giving attention for this one.
another feeling had come to me recently. I feel not capable to be a part of this committee. I don't help much, I always could not involve when the others looked for funds by selling some products or playing instrument for restaurants. I did not work properly as the responsibility is given to me. in some ways, most of people on that committee give me that permission to never involve those activities after I got very tired with expos on every wave (it was extremely tired), but I just want to help. in the end, I do nothing for my division.
last but not least, I can't get comfort this the people inside. there is something less which makes me not enthusiastic for the event. in other words, I feel like there's no nothing to do in this weekend. how do I feel so terrible with this kinda situation. I mean, I should earn more spirit because it's already two days before. sometimes I want to be participants who only have to follow the activities there.
in summary, I should do those things. I have to. I must. I'm just praying the best for this event and let God do the rest. then, I'm trying to hold my anger until the event finishes. a friend of mine said to me that I have to be careful not to explode when I hold it. just a small wish, hope it can be true :)
BUT, it's not the end of my busy day. beside I have to concern about my lecturing days, I suppose to finish my last job as one of consumption division for the next two days event. OK, it seems not very hard too. in fact, there are still so much to do to be finished in this last two days.
I surely can say that my expectation for this division is disappointed. in one side, I disrespect with the committee and should underline this: my coordinator, indeed. don't know how to say but I almost do her job myself because she was far way to be reached for and hardly to be phoned or communicated. in condition that this division still only had a lil' progress for the day. anyway, it's already better. I mean, the preparation only needs some things to do again, but STILL I don't know about the progress and the data don't synchronize with equipment division. kinda tired of giving attention for this one.
another feeling had come to me recently. I feel not capable to be a part of this committee. I don't help much, I always could not involve when the others looked for funds by selling some products or playing instrument for restaurants. I did not work properly as the responsibility is given to me. in some ways, most of people on that committee give me that permission to never involve those activities after I got very tired with expos on every wave (it was extremely tired), but I just want to help. in the end, I do nothing for my division.
last but not least, I can't get comfort this the people inside. there is something less which makes me not enthusiastic for the event. in other words, I feel like there's no nothing to do in this weekend. how do I feel so terrible with this kinda situation. I mean, I should earn more spirit because it's already two days before. sometimes I want to be participants who only have to follow the activities there.
in summary, I should do those things. I have to. I must. I'm just praying the best for this event and let God do the rest. then, I'm trying to hold my anger until the event finishes. a friend of mine said to me that I have to be careful not to explode when I hold it. just a small wish, hope it can be true :)
9.09.2011
screaming inside.
in the end, I should say that I can't hold on this any more.
crying without any reasons is really weird. don't know how to say, this explode habit drives me really crazy. I want to make it won't happen again. anyway, it obviously hurts. feel relieved after crying but it can't make me even better like what I want after that.
this pressure sounds like a light for some people. maybe it's just my mindset that it's heavy. then I get wrong in some ways for this. blame it on me because I'm just a tiny little narrow-minded girl. I'm labile. I'm weak. I'm a pity girl. I'm egoist. I'm tearful. I'm pretender. I don't deserve anything even better like this time. and, the most of all, I'm such a loser.
if anyone want to say something bad about me, do it. if anyone want to judge me, do it. and even, if anyone want to press me more, just do it! I'm done. I'm sick of this. it's better to know that I can leave in a sudden. in fact, I can't. eveything's going crazy. I'm not stuck. I don't want to quit before it finishes clearly. I'm trying to put more efforts and passions on those things. I force myself. I do everything the best of mine. but, fact says differently. I'm such a bad pretender. in the end, people will know what's going on with me then trying to give any revisions, any advices, or even a judgement. good or bad, I accept. true or false, I admit. but in my deepest heart, I want to scream and say everything I want to.
I just want an understanding even just for a little. it apparently happens because of me too. I always close my thoughts, the real me, the weakest me, the broken me from people. they even know I'm cheerful and happy girl, always can handle any situation. or being such a good thinker for some problems with some solutions. people see me strong. feel me fine, and touch me warm. I'm okay with that. but with who I can be me? I'm kinda exhausted with this condition. I really want to stop for a while. just for a while from this situation.
I'm tired, God :(
crying without any reasons is really weird. don't know how to say, this explode habit drives me really crazy. I want to make it won't happen again. anyway, it obviously hurts. feel relieved after crying but it can't make me even better like what I want after that.
this pressure sounds like a light for some people. maybe it's just my mindset that it's heavy. then I get wrong in some ways for this. blame it on me because I'm just a tiny little narrow-minded girl. I'm labile. I'm weak. I'm a pity girl. I'm egoist. I'm tearful. I'm pretender. I don't deserve anything even better like this time. and, the most of all, I'm such a loser.
if anyone want to say something bad about me, do it. if anyone want to judge me, do it. and even, if anyone want to press me more, just do it! I'm done. I'm sick of this. it's better to know that I can leave in a sudden. in fact, I can't. eveything's going crazy. I'm not stuck. I don't want to quit before it finishes clearly. I'm trying to put more efforts and passions on those things. I force myself. I do everything the best of mine. but, fact says differently. I'm such a bad pretender. in the end, people will know what's going on with me then trying to give any revisions, any advices, or even a judgement. good or bad, I accept. true or false, I admit. but in my deepest heart, I want to scream and say everything I want to.
I just want an understanding even just for a little. it apparently happens because of me too. I always close my thoughts, the real me, the weakest me, the broken me from people. they even know I'm cheerful and happy girl, always can handle any situation. or being such a good thinker for some problems with some solutions. people see me strong. feel me fine, and touch me warm. I'm okay with that. but with who I can be me? I'm kinda exhausted with this condition. I really want to stop for a while. just for a while from this situation.
I'm tired, God :(
9.04.2011
galau. Bandung, we're in holiday!
bandung, at last! ♥
after planned for times and failed, July, 17th-19th 2011, we went to Bandung. FYI, it's Angga's hometown!
had such a great short holiday here. full of eating, shopping, relaxing, and refreshing! went to some FOs, Ciater (like a jacuzzi, it was really fun!), Kartika Sari, dinner at the biggest foodcourt there, and many more!
felt like, 3 days were not enough to have fun. oh=kay, me and Albert had a long project from KMK, PMB 2011, as I told you so.
dinner at Sierra Cafe & Lounge! ♥
romantic view. good enough foods. nice talks. fun. enjoying this time.
last but not least, we went to this phenomenal place. Trans Studio!
unfortunately, we didn't buy the tickers. if there is more people, it's gonna be superb-fun here :D
taking photos. sitting around. chit-chats.
and now, how do I miss these days!
want a holiday together again. really need.
8.27.2011
the perfectionist one.
yes,
have just realized about it, yesterday. how I hate this, too much.
I try to be well-arranged and do everything like it has arranged before. but sometimes, because of some reasons, they just could not happen. and I started to piss off.
I realize this is bad, and become worse. I guess. I just can't control it. you guys can blame it on me if you want to.
now, I have to pass one event. or more. without this perfectionism. hard to be true. do not know how to make it true. surely, i do not know.
everything has to be arranged days before. when I heard something that suppose to admit wisely, I was mad. anyway, I thought the decision is connected with responsibility. once again, I did not know why I could say: "up to them, that's their right." and some answers I typed arbitrarily as I wanted to answer without thinking about it.
I blame myself for it now. deep blame. I should move on and try to make a good event then. I just can not leave this perfectionism behind. I'm just afraid if I lose control for holding back this belief inside. being such an ignorant. that is not me at all. then, I have to be a feeling hider again, a good pretender.
:(
8.26.2011
love life's peek-a-boo
what a rare moment I put a love life post on my blog. yeah, at least, my post is merely about broken-hearted condition. silly things after one year and months I broke up. that's my bad anyway :|
btw, gah! I don't know where I have to start telling this peek-a-boo!
let start introducing.
I'm in (maybe) kind of like with a guy. can't describe about him furthermore.
realized about it since April. and being normal in actions or responses to him.
the hardest problem is I can't do any jobs without him around. always meet him in any opportunity, and becomes a partner in some jobs. absolutely, my religious service won't wait me until the day I can stay away from him. such a professional connection.
I don't know why I like him. or maybe it already improves into love with affections or something else (?)
okay then, he's the charming one. he gets the charisma. he's the calmest one. he's the well-controlled one. he has something indescribable things which make me speechless. it's not about his hobby, or his passion. but there's a falling-cause thingy on him.
recently, I felt he kind of giving a sign about that-falling-thingy to me, either. I honestly say that I don't put a high hope to him, indeed because I realize he still has a feeling for a girl (don't know about it now). some people say, he doesn't anymore. some people already feel a weird thing between he and I.
someone told be bravely: "I see something different with him when he's with you. something I never see except for the ex-girl he liked."
don't want to be too confidence about it, I just let it flow. but that thing disturbed me a bit much. actually, I feel it too. he teases me physically and he doesn't do that to other girls. sometimes I see and look for that thing.
the last weird thing is we were messaged to talk about the future of our jobs, for 2 days and this is the first time I saw him enthusiastically talking about something. teasing each other by message. it was the weird one.
but then, he changed again to be the plegmatis one who is so ignorant.
it becomes a usual thing that I admit about him.
in the end, I don't know how to response and react. I'm just afraid of misunderstanding :(
btw, gah! I don't know where I have to start telling this peek-a-boo!
let start introducing.
I'm in (maybe) kind of like with a guy. can't describe about him furthermore.
realized about it since April. and being normal in actions or responses to him.
the hardest problem is I can't do any jobs without him around. always meet him in any opportunity, and becomes a partner in some jobs. absolutely, my religious service won't wait me until the day I can stay away from him. such a professional connection.
I don't know why I like him. or maybe it already improves into love with affections or something else (?)
okay then, he's the charming one. he gets the charisma. he's the calmest one. he's the well-controlled one. he has something indescribable things which make me speechless. it's not about his hobby, or his passion. but there's a falling-cause thingy on him.
recently, I felt he kind of giving a sign about that-falling-thingy to me, either. I honestly say that I don't put a high hope to him, indeed because I realize he still has a feeling for a girl (don't know about it now). some people say, he doesn't anymore. some people already feel a weird thing between he and I.
someone told be bravely: "I see something different with him when he's with you. something I never see except for the ex-girl he liked."
don't want to be too confidence about it, I just let it flow. but that thing disturbed me a bit much. actually, I feel it too. he teases me physically and he doesn't do that to other girls. sometimes I see and look for that thing.
the last weird thing is we were messaged to talk about the future of our jobs, for 2 days and this is the first time I saw him enthusiastically talking about something. teasing each other by message. it was the weird one.
but then, he changed again to be the plegmatis one who is so ignorant.
it becomes a usual thing that I admit about him.
in the end, I don't know how to response and react. I'm just afraid of misunderstanding :(
8.22.2011
late-update
sorry for my late update. my bad, too busy and too hectic lately :|
it's HOLIDAY now! at least for 3 weeks
gonna have fun at home with my family :D
hope it's gonna be a short happy holiday.
can't imagine when I should leave home at September 5th.
it's HOLIDAY now! at least for 3 weeks
gonna have fun at home with my family :D
hope it's gonna be a short happy holiday.
can't imagine when I should leave home at September 5th.
Togetherness in Big Family :)
how cute this logo, isn't it? :D
yeah! that's a logo for KMK's event. PMB 2011 (kind of orientation for new students, red.)
anyway, involving the committee is being such a happy-'happy' choice. couldn't remember how could I say 'yes' to the chairwoman for my position now. be a coordinator for event division.
I started my career from a staff of Christmas' event division in KMK and now, I have to finish this well. I'm the perfectionist one, unfortunately *sigh*
meeting, preparations, spiritual sessions, expos, and evaluations were being my routine activities for 4 weeks in a row. ah! actually I had one week holiday but it was a 'holi-day' because I helped KMK's board of management to prepare our official secretariat (btw, congratulation! :D)
it ended already, last two weeks. thanks a lot to all people who helped us!
especially for: PanDas, singers, musicians, MCs
my dedication is for you all! for your hard-work and cooperativeness with us :)
they are my lovely SQUAD! ♥
how grateful I am to have such really amazing children like you guys!
by the way~, KMK still has one event to go. as a continuing event from PMB 2011.
proudly presents:
we still do our best preparation for this last event.
God bless us! ♥
7.12.2011
maturity level? :|
someone told me:
a maturity level among people is different. understand them first, look at the positive side if they fed you up. what do you really expect from them who have a different maturity level with you? you won't force them to do what you know what they have suppose to do, will you? let them get their development as time goes by.
thanks for these words! :)
I know those words are true, really true.
a maturity level is formed by a long journey, problems, pains, and the way you react.
that is a short theory about maturity level. people realize about it.
anyway, what should I reply when people call me "labile", in fact they are still being like that label for me?
I kindly want to say sorry for being labile or unstable :)
but, I won't make any fight. I just make it as happy as I can in front of them.
I wish they can be wise before label a person with "labile".
see? even they already say they are mature enough, they still do immature thing like judging someone whom they don't really know?
then, for them whom act impolite, what should I do? holding uncomforted feeling? or telling them?
I'm not really sure they will accept advices which critic their attitude furthermore.
and once again, I should say that I will be very very very patient with those kind of people. though it challenges my patience, a lot.
a maturity level among people is different. understand them first, look at the positive side if they fed you up. what do you really expect from them who have a different maturity level with you? you won't force them to do what you know what they have suppose to do, will you? let them get their development as time goes by.
thanks for these words! :)
I know those words are true, really true.
a maturity level is formed by a long journey, problems, pains, and the way you react.
that is a short theory about maturity level. people realize about it.
anyway, what should I reply when people call me "labile", in fact they are still being like that label for me?
I kindly want to say sorry for being labile or unstable :)
but, I won't make any fight. I just make it as happy as I can in front of them.
I wish they can be wise before label a person with "labile".
see? even they already say they are mature enough, they still do immature thing like judging someone whom they don't really know?
then, for them whom act impolite, what should I do? holding uncomforted feeling? or telling them?
I'm not really sure they will accept advices which critic their attitude furthermore.
and once again, I should say that I will be very very very patient with those kind of people. though it challenges my patience, a lot.
a feeling hider.
you have to be patient.
and, blah!
they have their own problem as well.
take it easy.
smile!
it's ok. never mind. let it go.
keep spirit.
those words which I always hear. in every moment, I get something bad.
honestly, can I express what I fell freely? what should I do if anyone of you examine my patience?
should I cry? or keep silent?
what will you react if you see me mad? keep laughing like it's only a joke? or feeling any guilty?
what will people recognize about those things? silly? or serious?
and, should I response you like usual? only smiling and silent? crying like a kid? or yelling at you?
do I change? do I look different? do I do something which is really not me at all?
I exactly realize there are some differences within' me. not like me as usual.
somehow, I should be honest that I don't like being such a hider. a feeling hider, who always pretends.
I swear, being a feeling hider is not cool! have you ever felt you are cool enough if you can hide your feeling?
I torture myself.
I just don't want people feel uncomforted, because I know my limit when I get mad.
I can hurt all people with my words. my mouth such changing into a sharp knife.
I know I will be uncontrolled. no one can stop me to do what I want which is bad.
but, I can't hold this feeling alone. or only telling to God.
sometimes I need to express. let people know what I really feel in my heart, in my brain.
can I get it?
should I always cry when I can't hold on it any more? always ends with tears which is only me and God knows. or should I mad sometimes by taking the risk that you guys will judge me bad?
now, I'm really extremely exactly completely tired for being a feeling hider :(
7.10.2011
botak! ♥
how I love this doll! ♥
its name is BOTAK! why? ok, this is story. my stupidity-fool.
Sunday morning, when my organization at campus prepared for a sin confession event. I came with this uber-cute doll. My friend, Albert, who was the photographer, tried to take some shoots from this doll. I asked him too indeed.
the climax was: when I saw the result on Albert's camera, I yelled: "but it's ugly, BALD!". in the same time, there was a monk walked behind me with his assistant. as we know, a monk in buddhist always has no hair (read: bald). the monk had an event for the buddhist organization in my campus.
it was out of my consciousness. my friends kept laughing when I did not what was going on there.
how silly I was. I really regret about this and if I have a chance to meet the monk, I will apologize.
after that day, people in my organization (read: KMK), called my doll with BOTAK. funny enough how it's being such a lovely doll though people always tease it ;p
btw, I'm sorry, Monk! :(
7.09.2011
hatred vs forgiveness,
when people talk something bad about you, what will you do?
silence can not solve anything. you save all your feeling inside, the those will eat your heart slowly.
I remembered someone said to me about this:
when you share your problem to God, your load will decrease approximately 50%. when you share to others again, your load will automatically decrease as many as people you share your problem to. don't let yourself torture with your problem indeed. sometime you need someone to talk to and God never leaves you.
thanks for this words! :)
I mean, what you really feel when hatred surrounds you? is it a good or bad thing?
at the time you realize, how hatred controls you into something that you don not suppose to be. you have no going back. need a long time to active your heart voice indeed.
honestly, I'm not a kind of girl that easily forgive someone. but one year lately is such being a special point in my life. I mean, I learn how to control the hatred things then forgive
and, actually, I have felt the beautiful side of forgiveness. I had a problem with someone that annoyed me by words. first time, I felt like I wanted to kill someone. but after did some brain storming, I should say that forgiveness is the best way to keep your good relationship.
living with hatred only gives you another bad expectation and destroy your heart.
in the end, hatred can not solve problem, forgiveness does! :)
silence can not solve anything. you save all your feeling inside, the those will eat your heart slowly.
I remembered someone said to me about this:
when you share your problem to God, your load will decrease approximately 50%. when you share to others again, your load will automatically decrease as many as people you share your problem to. don't let yourself torture with your problem indeed. sometime you need someone to talk to and God never leaves you.
thanks for this words! :)
I mean, what you really feel when hatred surrounds you? is it a good or bad thing?
at the time you realize, how hatred controls you into something that you don not suppose to be. you have no going back. need a long time to active your heart voice indeed.
honestly, I'm not a kind of girl that easily forgive someone. but one year lately is such being a special point in my life. I mean, I learn how to control the hatred things then forgive
and, actually, I have felt the beautiful side of forgiveness. I had a problem with someone that annoyed me by words. first time, I felt like I wanted to kill someone. but after did some brain storming, I should say that forgiveness is the best way to keep your good relationship.
living with hatred only gives you another bad expectation and destroy your heart.
in the end, hatred can not solve problem, forgiveness does! :)
give me back.
it has been one year and two months since I decided to break up. yes, a break up. how fast time flies, but never does with this feeling. kinda tortured yet so unbelievable.
I really know that since that time, I suppose to forget all of thing he and I had. I should move on as well. in fact, there always gets a short time to remind how we used to be. the super-sweet things indeed. the moments where fight was being an usual thing. I'm proud to say that I miss that times, a lot.
my heart is changed into pieces, standing up above these is unable to do. because it still none can love me like he does. somehow, I still wonder if we are together like a couple in 2 years. what will we do? and how sweet this relationship? :(
it's really hard to forget about him. I know it's impossible. but, can you give me back my heart? so I can give it to other guy who is sent for me from God.
I really know that since that time, I suppose to forget all of thing he and I had. I should move on as well. in fact, there always gets a short time to remind how we used to be. the super-sweet things indeed. the moments where fight was being an usual thing. I'm proud to say that I miss that times, a lot.
my heart is changed into pieces, standing up above these is unable to do. because it still none can love me like he does. somehow, I still wonder if we are together like a couple in 2 years. what will we do? and how sweet this relationship? :(
it's really hard to forget about him. I know it's impossible. but, can you give me back my heart? so I can give it to other guy who is sent for me from God.
people come. people go.
there was a surprising event which happened lately. I did not know how could it happen, but it could be said weird. yes, the weird one. this is the complete story.
I was attracted with a guy since february, can not mention his bio indeed. I was being such a secret admirer where he does not know about it, I guess. In that time of admiring, I knew a guy who comes really in a weird time. First time, I enjoyed to talk with him, then he asked for my blackberry pin. Ok, we started to chat every day. after months, he showed to me that he liked me. I was shocked actually, because he also know that I was admiring to another guy.
since he told me so, there was a distance between us. despite my feeling of friendship, he maybe took serious about my feeling to the other one. I wish I could still be friend with him like we used to be. he said that I changed, but it was not really like he thought about. I tried to be neutral and I never wanted to give such an empty hope. I just do not want him to get wrong perception about my action to him. Ok, honestly, I ever felt the same feeling with him for a short time. and again, my business about finishing my event division made me forgot about it. the strong feeling to the other gains more. maybe it because the time I spent with the other one is more than him.
now, I have to adapt with this new condition which is different with the old one. hope the best for him. get the best woman he ever has in his life indeed :)
I was attracted with a guy since february, can not mention his bio indeed. I was being such a secret admirer where he does not know about it, I guess. In that time of admiring, I knew a guy who comes really in a weird time. First time, I enjoyed to talk with him, then he asked for my blackberry pin. Ok, we started to chat every day. after months, he showed to me that he liked me. I was shocked actually, because he also know that I was admiring to another guy.
since he told me so, there was a distance between us. despite my feeling of friendship, he maybe took serious about my feeling to the other one. I wish I could still be friend with him like we used to be. he said that I changed, but it was not really like he thought about. I tried to be neutral and I never wanted to give such an empty hope. I just do not want him to get wrong perception about my action to him. Ok, honestly, I ever felt the same feeling with him for a short time. and again, my business about finishing my event division made me forgot about it. the strong feeling to the other gains more. maybe it because the time I spent with the other one is more than him.
now, I have to adapt with this new condition which is different with the old one. hope the best for him. get the best woman he ever has in his life indeed :)
I really kicked with this word.
people come, people go.
happy-bday-angga!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Angga Pangestu Moeis!
played a fool game then, SURPRISE :D
hope the best for you :)
happy-bday-to-me.
my treat was held at BK, Sarinah. after did some lies for some people whom I can't ask for joining this quality time indeed. being such a super happy girl with my best. surprised from my brother and his girlfriend (thanks too!). both of them gave me a big portion of 6 different flavors of instant noodles also some cowy things. then, they tricked me by hided my presents. I came back with some bad feelings. I wanted my presents back as soon as it possible but I felt that they would give me another 'surprise'. it happened anyway.
say HI to a dirty-smelly dough which was made by them! honestly, it was really hard for me to clean my body. my clothes either. but, that was an uber-sweet birthday I ever had :D
wel-come back! :D
after all those days could not post anything, had lots tasks and assignments, now I'm coming back. literally, this blog will fulfill with stories which can't be told to others directly. hope if someone see those posts will realize or consider about something.
wel-come back! :D
anw, that photos was taken by Albert when we went to Ancol with some friends of us :)
4.13.2011
Mau Sampe Kapan?
waktu itu, ada orang sering tanya ke gw. "Mau Sampe Kapan?", jujur aja. pas pertama orang itu tanya ke gw, gw gak ngeh apa maksudnya. cuma bisa diem dan menganggukan kepala.
seiring berjalannya waktu, gw pelan-pelan ngerti maksud hal itu apa. gw sadar apa alasan orang tanya itu ke gw. gw tau knapa bisa mereka tanya gw seperti itu.
beberapa orang bilang, gw jadi cewek terlalu baik. ya "terlalu" baik. bahkan sampe orang nyakitin gw aja, gw cuma bisa diem. ato bahkan seakan-akan menerima hal itu tapi kenyataan di hati gw berontak. teriak sakit. dan luka. hal itu sering banget terjadi. gw gak sadar waktu gw ngelakuinnya. gak s a d a r. yang ada di pikiran gw, cuma gw mau bantu orang. apapun bakal gw lakuin. setidaknya, mereka jadi lebih baik. walopun gw harus jadi pihak tersakiti duluan.
kadang-kadang berasa cape sih. karena dalam hal ini, egoisme gw harus dikalahkan lebih dari 100% yang ada di diri gw secara sadar ato gak sadar. tau sih ujung-ujungnya bakal sakit.
ya, secara sadar gw tau efeknya akan jangka panjang.
gw juga tau, kalo gw harus mengakhiri ini semua. tapi gw cuma sekedar tau. teori semata.
ketika gw disuruh melakukan, lagi-lagi rasa gak enak - gak enak - gak sampe hati. dan kemudian balik lagi, mengulang kejadian yang sama. disakitin lagi, trus diem, nangis.
baru-baru ini, ada kejadian yang super bikin gw mikir sama pertanyaan ini.
apa sih reaksi lu kalo dibandingin sama orang lain secara terus-menerus? apa rasanya ditendang sama kata-kata yang bener-bener bikin lu kecewa? apa rasanya dianggap remeh padahal lu uda mencoba memberikan lebih dari 100% kemampuan lu? apa rasanya waktu lu membela diri, pembelaan lu malah gak dianggap?
ya gw tau itu proses, tapi MAU SAMPE KAPAN?
"mau jadi apa A, kalo lu berpikiran seperti itu terus dan pikiran lu didengar oleh orang lain. trus orang lain mendengar dan mengucapkan statement yang sama? coba dong lu liat si B dan C, mereka banyak kontribusinya. mereka gak takut untuk keluar dari jobdesk mereka."
maaf, saya bukan mereka. dan mereka bukan saya. bisakah ada sedikit rasa menerima orang apa adanya?
dan lantas, untuk apa saya ada di sana? bertahan? sudah cukup sepertinya. kalo anda menganggap saya mulai nyolot atau menyebalkan, silahkan. toh saya juga sudah muak diperlakukan seperti ini terus dari permulaan itu.
seiring berjalannya waktu, gw pelan-pelan ngerti maksud hal itu apa. gw sadar apa alasan orang tanya itu ke gw. gw tau knapa bisa mereka tanya gw seperti itu.
beberapa orang bilang, gw jadi cewek terlalu baik. ya "terlalu" baik. bahkan sampe orang nyakitin gw aja, gw cuma bisa diem. ato bahkan seakan-akan menerima hal itu tapi kenyataan di hati gw berontak. teriak sakit. dan luka. hal itu sering banget terjadi. gw gak sadar waktu gw ngelakuinnya. gak s a d a r. yang ada di pikiran gw, cuma gw mau bantu orang. apapun bakal gw lakuin. setidaknya, mereka jadi lebih baik. walopun gw harus jadi pihak tersakiti duluan.
kadang-kadang berasa cape sih. karena dalam hal ini, egoisme gw harus dikalahkan lebih dari 100% yang ada di diri gw secara sadar ato gak sadar. tau sih ujung-ujungnya bakal sakit.
ya, secara sadar gw tau efeknya akan jangka panjang.
gw juga tau, kalo gw harus mengakhiri ini semua. tapi gw cuma sekedar tau. teori semata.
ketika gw disuruh melakukan, lagi-lagi rasa gak enak - gak enak - gak sampe hati. dan kemudian balik lagi, mengulang kejadian yang sama. disakitin lagi, trus diem, nangis.
baru-baru ini, ada kejadian yang super bikin gw mikir sama pertanyaan ini.
apa sih reaksi lu kalo dibandingin sama orang lain secara terus-menerus? apa rasanya ditendang sama kata-kata yang bener-bener bikin lu kecewa? apa rasanya dianggap remeh padahal lu uda mencoba memberikan lebih dari 100% kemampuan lu? apa rasanya waktu lu membela diri, pembelaan lu malah gak dianggap?
ya gw tau itu proses, tapi MAU SAMPE KAPAN?
"mau jadi apa A, kalo lu berpikiran seperti itu terus dan pikiran lu didengar oleh orang lain. trus orang lain mendengar dan mengucapkan statement yang sama? coba dong lu liat si B dan C, mereka banyak kontribusinya. mereka gak takut untuk keluar dari jobdesk mereka."
maaf, saya bukan mereka. dan mereka bukan saya. bisakah ada sedikit rasa menerima orang apa adanya?
dan lantas, untuk apa saya ada di sana? bertahan? sudah cukup sepertinya. kalo anda menganggap saya mulai nyolot atau menyebalkan, silahkan. toh saya juga sudah muak diperlakukan seperti ini terus dari permulaan itu.
2.12.2011
pain. painful. painless.
those months which i have stepped by myself alone, is really hard.
i can't promise everything. i can't prove anything.
and even for what i have said, it's just like a bullshit.
some times, i ever thought to glue my heart from pieces for you.
but, you seemed so ignorant and let my heart break again.
i tried to fix everything. to start from the first time.
pretend to smile and laugh. outside.
i n s i d e. i'm dead broken. totally broken.
take it easy anything doesn't mean i never think about you.
the time i remind everything, is really crazy.
tears can't answer my questions.
pretending can't solve this feeling.
being natural can't lie my highly hope about this.
you walked your life as usual as you can.
didn't think about everything around you.
and even me, who always stand by you. though it used to.
you cleared your heart from my name. my face. our memories. our love.
you reject me,
but you still can't lie to me.
i know you. you're still the same.
if you change, it's just a pretending action.
i love you. you're still the winner of my heart.
if you get me off, it's just your own way.
i still stand for you. right here. right now.
i'm a weak girl, apparently.
but if you seek inside my heart, i'm just trying to make better in everything.
you don't know the suffer to face this truth alone.
you're just to selfish of yourself and never think about me.
look! see! feel!
do i want to hurt you?
do i need to make you hurt?
do i say: i don't love you any more?
do i act like i don't care?
you know what can make me fall for you again.
you know how to do it. you do it successfully.
what kind of feeling do you give me after we broke up?
play your games? play your rules?
you know. i will a l w a y s have a space for you.
is it enough? or still less? want more?
this is the effect from everything.
this is what you always try to tell me.
this is what i feel.
and this, still i hold in my heart until i'm gone from this life.
pain. painful. painless.
i can't promise everything. i can't prove anything.
and even for what i have said, it's just like a bullshit.
some times, i ever thought to glue my heart from pieces for you.
but, you seemed so ignorant and let my heart break again.
i tried to fix everything. to start from the first time.
pretend to smile and laugh. outside.
i n s i d e. i'm dead broken. totally broken.
take it easy anything doesn't mean i never think about you.
the time i remind everything, is really crazy.
tears can't answer my questions.
pretending can't solve this feeling.
being natural can't lie my highly hope about this.
you walked your life as usual as you can.
didn't think about everything around you.
and even me, who always stand by you. though it used to.
you cleared your heart from my name. my face. our memories. our love.
you reject me,
but you still can't lie to me.
i know you. you're still the same.
if you change, it's just a pretending action.
i love you. you're still the winner of my heart.
if you get me off, it's just your own way.
i still stand for you. right here. right now.
i'm a weak girl, apparently.
but if you seek inside my heart, i'm just trying to make better in everything.
you don't know the suffer to face this truth alone.
you're just to selfish of yourself and never think about me.
look! see! feel!
do i want to hurt you?
do i need to make you hurt?
do i say: i don't love you any more?
do i act like i don't care?
you know what can make me fall for you again.
you know how to do it. you do it successfully.
what kind of feeling do you give me after we broke up?
play your games? play your rules?
you know. i will a l w a y s have a space for you.
is it enough? or still less? want more?
this is the effect from everything.
this is what you always try to tell me.
this is what i feel.
and this, still i hold in my heart until i'm gone from this life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)