screaming inside.

in the end, I should say that I can't hold on this any more.
crying without any reasons is really weird. don't know how to say, this explode habit drives me really crazy. I want to make it won't happen again. anyway, it obviously hurts. feel relieved after crying but it can't make me even better like what I want after that.
this pressure sounds like a light for some people. maybe it's just my mindset that it's heavy. then I get wrong in some ways for this. blame it on me because I'm just a tiny little narrow-minded girl. I'm labile. I'm weak. I'm a pity girl. I'm egoist. I'm tearful. I'm pretender. I don't deserve anything even better like this time. and, the most of all, I'm such a loser.
if anyone want to say something bad about me, do it. if anyone want to judge me, do it. and even, if anyone want to press me more, just do it! I'm done. I'm sick of this. it's better to know that I can leave in a sudden. in fact, I can't. eveything's going crazy. I'm not stuck. I don't want to quit before it finishes clearly. I'm trying to put more efforts and passions on those things. I force myself. I do everything the best of mine. but, fact says differently. I'm such a bad pretender. in the end, people will know what's going on with me then trying to give any revisions, any advices, or even a judgement. good or bad, I accept. true or false, I admit. but in my deepest heart, I want to scream and say everything I want to.
I just want an understanding even just for a little. it apparently happens because of me too. I always close my thoughts, the real me, the weakest me, the broken me from people. they even know I'm cheerful and happy girl, always can handle any situation. or being such a good thinker for some problems with some solutions. people see me strong. feel me fine, and touch me warm. I'm okay with that. but with who I can be me? I'm kinda exhausted with this condition. I really want to stop for a while. just for a while from this situation.

I'm tired, God :(