listen!

Listen to the song here in my heart
A melody I start but can't complete
Listen to the sound from deep within
It's only beginning to find release

Oh, the time has come for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your own all 'cause you won't
Listen

Listen, I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried to say what's on mind
You should have known

Oh, now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what you made of me
I followed the voice you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own

You should have listened, there is someone here inside
Someone I thought had died so long ago
Oh, I'm screaming out and my dreams'll be heard
They will not be pushed aside on words
Into your own all 'cause you won't

Listen
I don't know where I belong
But I'll be moving on
If you don't, if you won't



sung by: beyonce (:

my best! :D

a school's reflection.

today, as usual, my school always have a public worship for each grade. then Mr. Barus gave some advice for us and shared about the national exams. not a discourse because he didn't want to.
first, he open my mind about people around me especially for teachers. we (students and teachers) got a same boredom problem for preparing the exams. we also scared to face the exams then but we just walked individually. it must be had togetherness and be united. it will be easier if we walk together and share what we feel both in sadness, boredom, stress, or maybe problems that burden us.
second, as 12th grade students, we have spent 3 years in SMAK IPEKA Tomang. we supposed to get some new values that brought us to a maturity. if we didn't get anything, it meant that teachers have failed to educate us, parents also have failed to make us grow in a good progress, and students have wasted time at school that gave nothing. so, we have to realize what we have got at school.
we just have 17 effective days, 24 days before the national exams, 2 months to spend our senior year then we're separated by our own choice for our future. damn, why it's too fast? i enjoyed my time with my best! :(

bad truth.

my cheeks is always wet by my own tears for some reasons. the special reason is when i reminded of you. there was a problem between me, you, and my dad complicatedly. i don't know how to solve it, i don't know how to make my dad can accept you as you are. so when i got a dispute, i just could cry every night.
it's our fault as you said to me. maybe. but not at all. i can't overwhelm all causes to dad or us. it's too hard to understand rationally. we just could be patient and silent, wait until everything gonna be alright.
i realized lately that i have buried this problem to the deepest of my heart. i ignored everything about this problem that can hurt our heart or i ran from the truth that i must face this problem alone. but while this problem appeared, i'm panic and it brings to my serious insomnia. i realized it just now when my classmates and i also my class guardian made a praise and worship time at my class. i cried well as my complaint about the national exams and for my buried problem.
oh hell yeah, i got my serious insomnia for one week lately. tomorrow i'll face some mid term test, continued by school final exams then prepare for the national exams. 28 days more from now! :(
God, please give me more strength and power to face this exams. and bless me for my steps i'll take. then my concentration to prepare and study the exams. i'll try my best for You, dad, mom, bro, and also him.
i love them a lot, i know You know it God (:

M's.

seemed the weather, we changed step by step.

as in the rain reason, we have fallen an unstoppable tears from our eyes.
many storm hit us until we collapsed into our lowest point of hope.
may lightning shone us so bright until we blinded for a lil' happiness we could have.

as in the dry season, we have dessicated our tears but we started for disputes.
many stone threw us until we surrendered for a better condition.
many ash stuck on us endlessly until we locked on the same condition, waited it could erode slowly.
 
as in the cold season, we have freezed our heart for an honest.
many snow surrounded us until we only saw the white one, no others.
many ice refrigerated us until we were scared to make a step.

as in the fall season, we have aborted our feeling from our heart.
many leaf drop us until we realized we haven't create to be together.
many root debilitated us until we have no power to solve anything.

we got tired for all of this. we fought all the time. we made everything became worse.
we couldn't see in the positive side. we couldn't survive in this worst past. we couldn't change better.
it was our fault, we were too force condition to follow like we wanted.
it was our confession, we were too love each other until we couldn't let it go but all other said.
how can we hold on ours? how can we arrange our mindset? how can we invent a new one?

for all we have spent, i just could say thanks.
for all we have passed, i just could be grateful.
for all we have done, i just could save alone.
and for all we have kept, i just could let it go.

we were hurted. we were broken. we were sick. we were fragile.
if i can, i want to close my eyes and dream you stand beside me for the rest of my life.
if i have a lil' time, i want to make you stay with me.
if i still alive, i want to finish my goal and my life from you, with you, and for you.
we were too late to confess everything. and we were too selfish to get our own desire.

one thing we never know and never get the answer.
even we were in the worst point, we still stand determinedly. how can it happen?
we fought but we weren't broke up and forgot ours.
it just likes a river which always has stocks of water to drain land around and so do our love.
with all of this, what will we do? what will we say? what will we get?


i love you. 
-V's

for a special chum ♥

hey girl! i'm sorry to hear you problem lately :(
be strong, i know you can. let's move on. leave your bad love story as soon as possible.
as beloved friends of yours, we never want you burried under your sadness because of him. we can't look you said anything with your smile but inside you're hurt. we can't hear your words as if you accepted everything but you kept your pain lonely. we appreciated for your own privacy that perhaps, not all secrets you can share with us. but please, never take your time too alone.
he left you with his betrayal at you and for his 'beautiful' behave to you. if i were you, i will leave him and i will let him know that i'm ok when he's not with me. girls aren't made for boys' toys! when boys betray girls, it means that boys are sucks. even a best boy we ever met, they're sucks. my dad's words :p
God never leave you honey though you far away from Him but He always waits you to share, to tell about your problem, to complain about everything happened in your life. and we never leave you too. we stand here for you. we hear your problem. we will be patient to wait your story. we try to be a good dustbin for you (:

if i care about you.

hey person! do you feel annoy with my statement? percieve for what i have written before? if it's yes, say out loud in front of me not behind me! if you felt something wasn't good about me, told me as a gentle not like a chicken. i hate people who gossiped about me that wasn't true at all. influencing people around me to have a bad opinion about me too.
i cared about you, i did. but it was before you acted like a sucks person. before you talked behind me like we weren't friends anymore. before you took your own decision. i never mad when you kept silence for something you want to save but i mad at you when you acted as a important person in these world! hey, let i tell you something. if you said no, i will behave that you were ok and it prevail to the opposite too. if you said yes, i will behave that you needed me for sharing something.

i will stand next to you.
i will shut up for your story you share with me.
i will give you my time to hear your problem.
i will understand your condition.
i will keep a distance if you want i do it for you.
i will let you finish your problem by yourself.
i will be a good listener.
i will send you some quote to make you stronger if i can't help you directly.
i will be patient to wait for you until you behave as usual.
but it will happen if i care about you.
and now, you're disappointing me with your behave, your action, and your faith about a bad me!
so? just enjoy your own. i just want to live my life with a happiness, throw out everything that makes me feeling disturbed.

love is a choice.

" love is a choice you make from moment to moment "

~Barbara De Angelis~

moments past but memories still alive inside the heart. it was like clicking a knob to play what moments left for. a difficult consideration between heart and brain that was not in a good phase to get an cooperation well. after all of those things left, these feeling was never last even hurt always attacked. people did mistakes, none perfect. a translation for a love mistake was different for every single person in this world but they have a same translation that they're hurted either as a severe pain or a little pain but it left a sense. love, a very simple word and a very complicated meaning to understand. and love is a choice, knitted moments for every hearts who involve on these. love makes working on for a better condition, forcing people to more understand whom they love, and accepting as whom they love are.


when i wrote these post and when i pasted those quote, i do feel as i wrote, as i pasted. i have decided my choice that to love you and being yours though someday you will mean me nothing. my heart showed me the way to back to you heart slowly. and you allowed me to stay in your heart again openly. you got hurt me, so did i. but i hold on for everything that i believe will better soon for us, you, and me. never occur me to leave you alone in any condition, may i ask you: have i give you a mark to leave you? if i have,  leave me first and never come back for me, i will let you go even i must feel this pain lonely. but if i haven't, stay with me until we have to separate and God don't bless our relationship.


in a same phase, my choice will be not lost by anything. even i have hurted people around me for my private impingement. i'm starting to hold my promise and my choice for always loving you, sweetheart (:

P.S. i love you sweetheart (:

i lost my love. i lost my soul. i lost my heart. and i have to wait longer than i expected until its return as usual. have to pretend that i'm okay if you're not beside me. i thank God if i still had a time to feel how precious it is before it lost. no matter how can it happen but i just care how can it make me falling so deep in love.
am i making faults again? if yes, i'm apologize with pleasure.
i closed my eyes for all of those things that hurted me. i acted like a deaf girl when my friends screamed at me to leave you. i stopped my steps if you began to need a companion. i can't live in the world you're not there because you're my world and you're the reason why i still standing for. so, is there any reason i have to leave you? i like you for your excess of behaviour, but i love you for you weakness. i can't survive when i lost your love. that's why i can stuck on my position now .
if you thought that being separate was the best choice, just did it. i kept my silences lonely. and when you come to and say sorry, i will forgive you sincerely as i have done before. i can't stop my heart to give for you.




P.S. i love you sweetheart (:

i do ♥ my senior year!

oh damn! it has been almost 2 weeks i didn't post anything to update my blog. so busy man! senior year drove me crazy with try outs for every subject included subjects non-national exams! :(
and the result? definitely disappointed me!
anw, even i'm stressed out i have taken some photos with my classmates. just for fun and forgetting about the pressure that frigthen all of students. 2 teachers joined us for these photo sessions! :p

ok, i confessed something: i don't afraid with the national exams or school exams but i just never be ready to face the truth that my high school year have to finish, have to separate with my besties since i was in high school and walk for our own future by ourselves. it has to, i know about it because life must go on. but my senior year will end just counting my single finger. 3 months to go :(


i do ♥ my senior  year!
for every people in my senior year. my juniors, my ex-OSIS committees, my teachers, my friends, and my best friends ever!
let's fight for the exams (: