happy mom's day! (:

hey, that's my mommy. my lovely mommy.
none can change my love for her. started when she pregnant for nine months, until now: she still beside me.
mom's sacrificing, mom's love, mom's care, mom's heart.
there would be so precious for me and my brother.
sorry mom if we always make you disappoint, make you sad, make you unhappy, and being naughty children.
so sorry too if we always break you words, ignore your words, and still being kids moreover we're getting older - growing for our own future.
but, i think, if i must write a list of thanks, it will be so long lists. because many thanks i have to say to mom.

mom did it unconditionally. mom just want to see us happy even sometimes mom has to be fierce.
i always pray for mom, for everything mom gonna do in mom's life. and my prays will always walk along with you, mom. hope everything will be fine and great until i can make you proud of me and happy to see me success in my life, because of your effort to make it true.

my mom is the best in the world ever! i ♥ you so much, with all of my heart i said to you.


happy mom's day, people!

i'm for you.

where are youu? :(
have you ever thinking about me? have you ever feel that i stand next to you?
i don't want to loose you anymore. never!
even you hurt me, even you made me disappointed, even you have left me: i'll always there for you.
i knew this condition was not easy, it's too hard, i thought.
but you will pass it surely (:
share with me if you need, talk to me if you want, meet me up if you have to
but please, don't shut up and keep all of this alone.
because right here, right now, i'm for you.


anw, i have promised myself. i don't want to be a stubborn girl.
and i learn how to smooth my heart for you and for us.
that's only i can do. that's only i can try.

dunia semakin gila?

aku termasuk di dalam bagian dunia yang semakin gila ini. pikiran tak bisa dibatasi untuk hal yang semestinya mustahil, tapi otak ini terus dipaksa berpikir dan berpikir sampai kehabisan tenaga lalu mengakibatkan malas berpikir serta menjadi pasrah. bukan masalah tentang hubungan percintaan ataupun keluarga, hanya menyangkut kinerja otak dan cara berpikir dalam menanggapi setiap perubahan yang ada. entah sampai kapan aku bisa bertahan. bingung juga. sudah cukup stress malah dibuat jadi lebih stress lagi. aku tak ingin hal yang macam-macam cuma ingin sebuah kebebasan yang seharusnya mulai dilimpahkan pada anak umur tujuhbelas tahun ini. baiklah, ini tak ada urusannya dengan ayahku atau ibuku. jadi jangan berpikir buruk dan mencari sesuatu yang tidak konkrit. tapi apakah perlu aku menulis sesuatu secara tersurat dan blak-blakan di sini? mungkin iya, tapi kapan-kapan. sedang tidak dalam kondisi yang baik untuk menceritakan sesuatu dan menulis untuk merangkai kata yang membuat orang lain tidak sakit hati karena jaman sekarang ini, banyak sekali yang suka melihat lalu menyebarkan itu menjadi kabar burung kemudian menambahkan bumbu cerita yang malah memperkeruh suasana.
aku menulis ini dalam bahasa indonesia karena aku sudah bingung jika harus ditulis dengan bahasa inggris. lagipula aku orang indonesia, jadi aku tulis dalam bahasa ibuku dan berusaha memakai bahasa indonesia yang baik dan benar dengan ejaan yang disempurnakan.
dunia semakin gila, aku tahu karena aku merasakannya. banyak faktor sebenarnya, secara tak langsung orang terdekat pun bisa jadi salah satu faktor itu. dan yang terutama adalah pikiran yang menyiksa ini akan satu hal yang lama-lama membuat gila. aku harus memutuskan sesuatu yang berkaitan dengan masa depan, bukan soal kuliah, soal yang lain. dan ini mungkin akan menyakitkan orang lain. jadi maaf jika aku tak siap untuk menghadapi semua ini.

status?

status: in a relationship to ...


for me, it's only a status. a status for your existence.
i'm a kind of people that not interested if i must declare my status for people consumption.
that's my privacy, man! :D
when he asked me: are you ok if we're in a relationship yet?
i answered him as i told before. it's just a status.
i don't need a status. i need you.
so, is there a status giving an influence for a relationship? besides, declaring it?
it's just about how will you do to hold your existence in front of friends.


are you scared if friends said you're a single for the rest of your life? ok, it's joke :p
i'm not so scared, just a little. but i don't really think of it.
i know people want a confession from other people around them.
but just to hold an existence? i don't agree totally!

it's begun again.

i can't get you back to that one time when we hurt each other.
i just can get you move on to the brighter time when we're being together.
someday, we will remember what we have done and will tell stories for people.
i have tried to set my mind free from you. from ours.
but my heart sound screamed that i will never do this and never be strong.
even people mad to me and said i'm stupid or anything, i don't care.
i can't lie that i love you. and our strory has just begun again (:

my commitment (:

almost three months i can't stop thinking about you. your condition especially.
when you arrived at the same place we met first, i couldn't meet you.

i have commit myself to be a good daughter for my dad. and accept his words.

because i know one thing that never change: he always wants the best for me (:


i built a defense in my heart.
a very strong defense which built by tears and sorrows.
i forced myself to be ready to face this hurting truth.
a very hard effort until i can be ready like now.


smile. it's the best symbol to show for anyone.
and laugh. it's the best way to remove my tears.
i know my effort will be not useless if i still survive with my defense and remember how difficult to get ready.
and i must remember about my dad - his love - his protect - his care - his sacrifice for me.
i won't disappoint him, because for me: family is the priority one (:

i have to learn how to be strong even my heart still felt pain.

regards.

at the first time we met, we were too young to feel what love it's.

we played as a couple of best friend and promised as children who never thought what will happen soon.

at the beginning you love me, we were too selfish to recognize that we will belong together.

we thought as a young teen and ignore the feeling which just to be a opinion: it's a feeling because we're so close each other.

at the time you asked me, i was too dumb to answer that i love you too.

we act as a nervous band member and still hope for the sweetest one. 

and at the last time we talked, we were too late to realize what have we had together.

we regret about all of this and stuck without any action to solve it. we were too hopeless, no more energy, and too tired.

i lied to you at the beginning you love me, my egoist thought control me too strong to not break our friendship since we were 3 years old. trying to stop loving you is the worst part of my life and never come true whatever with the ways i have done. though i got pains and sorrows, i still like the same. still loving you.

i'm too weak to face the truth. rather be a weak girl in front of people than acting like a strong girl but inside i'm broken.

these would be my last confession that i ever be a part of maveilica. our name for ours. i don't make a statement that i'm stopping to try. but i just want a new relation, really new. whatever it's, friend or maybe a couple. i never want to lift our past problem which too complicated and never finish if we still talk about it.

i want the best for us. i wanna stop this fire part. i wanna get you back for my life.

that's all i need from us. and i still remember every moment we had together. from we were young until we're loving each other (:

best regards,
ex. maveilica  ♀

first and last.

let me ask something: what will you do when you realize that a person in front of you was the best for you? will you let him go? will you sacrifice anything for him? will you leave anything for him? will you trust him to be your mate until you die? will you allow him to get in your heart and your soul? will you close your heart except him? will you stop crying? will you thank God?


i'm here beside you. with all i have in this world, and even the littlest things.
i can't stop crying when i remind about you: your smile, your heart, your attitude, your words, and you love.
i can't feel anything again after we apart. only tears which can be my words for anyone.

my heart is empty. without you. and i'm alone here.

i need you, and you're the only one my needed as i take my breath.
i'm lying if i say: i don't love you anymore! :(
my lip can say about it, but my heart? it's a fake.
this condition really suffer me. really build a biggest pain in my heart.
a biggest hole that will never get a cure by any medicine, any doctor, and anyone.

never force to find someone else.

it's hurt me. a lot. fully. directly. and making the hole bigger - bigger.
i try to not think about you, but i can't. never can.
i kept this pain alone. my tears fell down again again again.
there will always a crackle feeling in my heart when i feel your love again. feeling like i'm alive.
for something that i must to be dare to obey the rules and the warning is a must and a needed to get you back to me whatever by the ways.


i'll never let you go again. i'll sacrifice everything. i'll leave everything. i'll trust you to be my mate for ever. i'll allow you to go inside my heart and to get my soul become yours. i'll close my heart for anyone except you. i'll stop crying.
and i'll thank God because i've you in my life. my first and my last love (:
but, if you allow it. if you don't, there will always the same.

a list of thanks.

thanks for everything you have given me in my life.
thanks for your smile and your spirit of love beside me whenever.
thanks for becoming my ideal and real needed.
thanks for every single word you warn me.
thanks for making me maturer than before.
thanks for accepting me as i am.
thanks for teaching me how to be a good girl.
thanks for your ocean eyes which always make me calm.
thanks for unlimited love, still the same as before.
thanks for making me survive.
thanks for letting me done with all of this things.
thanks for holding me when i'm down.
thanks for digging me up from my lowest point in my life.
thanks for looking me in positive sides.
thanks for calling me in special words and none can change it.
thanks for leading me in every step i take.
thanks for giving me beautiful moments to remember.
thanks for reminding me when i forget about something even if it's an unimportant thing.
thanks for your attention fully to me.
thanks for being there when i dying.
thanks for waiting me in every condition. especially the most sweet one (:
thanks for your jealousy. it means a lot: you'll not allow anyone else to have me except you!
thanks for staring my life.
thanks for your experience about life.
thanks for every things you have given.
thanks for sweetest actions and attitudes to me.
thanks for missing me when i'm not beside you.
thanks for finding some unexpected view for me.
thanks for thinking about our future.
thanks for ignoring me when i feel worthless.
thanks for changing your bad habits.
thanks for hearing my advices, my words, my story, and my bad dream.
thanks for awaking me when i got a bad dream and there to accompany me.
thanks for offering me your kindness, your responsibility.
thanks for taking me out from my biggest fear.
thanks for starting my life with a warm smile.
thanks for shining my life.
thanks for drawing an unmatched picture on my heart.
thanks for knowing me as well as you can do.
thanks for listing me on your first person in your life.
thanks for falling me in your deepest heart.
thanks for saving me from anything that can danger my life.

***
in fact, there still many thanks. for everything.
even a littlest thing!
i don't have any reason why i love you. but i have many reason why i must be thankful to you (:

1st anniversary! (:

hey! happy 1st anniversary [TRI.GO].

love y'all, girls!

we can hold this friendship. even we rarely met.

hope this friendship will last forever and everlasting (:

we must meet and share as soon as possible!

i already miss you all. last meeting was on 17th august.

it has been so long.

anw, it nearly holiday! we have much time to enjoy our holiday together.

always stick together in [TRI.GO] (:

a real friend.

"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."
~Walter Winchell~

who believes and agrees with this quote statement? me, of course!

but, when will get them? exhausted for waiting for it.

a lil' sound from my heart said: you will get if you patient your heart.

ok. i'll be (:

so far, 12 people have already been my real friends. (i've not to tell, red-)

i can't count how much their kindness, their loyalty, their patient, their love.

they always stand beside me, whatever happened to me.

they erased my tears when i felt people run away from me.

they always know there's a pain though i showed my biggest smile.

they start my life when it will stop immediately.

they give their time and energy sincerely for me.

et cetera.

and it's all need. it's all i want.

that's why i really thankful for having them (:

how about others?

i don't really care about others. ignorance is a bliss.

someone. my best buddy. a real friend of mine.
i don't know why, but it changes.

maybe i did mistakes to her. or annoyed her. i really sorry if i did it honestly.

a change that so far from the old. i try to understand her condition and i still try to.

my pray always walks along with her. in every step she takes, in every condition she faces.

anw, sorry for this. i have to tell you about this: i don't have any envy with her especially with her new relationship. i really happy with it :D

first time, i mad. but i considered that to be a real friend, i have to mind - have to know my portion - have to let my anger control well.

i don't wear any masks, it's a real me.

i don't need a big respect, it's just my heart voice that i can't speak directly.

i just need a real friend. not a friend with a beautiful mask. am i wrong?

and, i love you, my best buddy (:

take care on your life. have a great day! :D

three pieces of two hearts.

when i saw these necklace, my head worked out quickly.
some memories are left inside it.
the 3 pieces of pearl means 3 years he waited for me. and be his.
the 3 pieces of pearl means 3 'shoots' for making me his.
between two hearts, mine and his. combine with loves.
i remembered when i got this, i cried. meaningful - will always be.
i do miss that time.when you put it on my neck.

shut up my mouth.

have i told you that i hate hypocrisies? and a hypocrite too?
i hate this condition. i hate to face this fact that my friend did it to me.
i hate to be mad. i hate to be a tearful girl.
i hate to fight. i hate to speak up with everything in my mind and my emotion.


so? what must i do?
i'm tired. too tired.
i don't need a hypocrite in my life. i don't need friend who just do hypocrisies.
i just need a freedom. freedom for that action.
wasting my time if i'm getting mad. wasting my energy if i'm thinking of it.
the best way: i close my mouth. i'll shut up. i'll keep this alone. just to know about them.
and even it hurts me, i gonna be strong. whatever it happenned.

r.c.n.m.v.w

it has been almost 13 years we had together. we close and stick each other.
thanks for our last night. you made me conscious hardly about that thing! (:
even you act like killers-blood-blue, you taught me how to make this world better without him.
thanks for your advice. thanks for your boast. and bunches thanks for your time.


love you, R.C.N.M.V.W!

everybody has changed.

change: everyone will happen about it but depends on the effect has got, the speed, and the factors.it's a sociology perspective.

i know everything gonna change as long as it needed and it's a must.

but one thing that i never understand, everybody got a fast change.

anyone can tell me?

i don't know why, but several time past, i felt it so strong.

some friends changed their action, their retired from an usual action.

it's a weird. and i still confuse about this.

for some people, i don't care. but for some best friends, i can't to not to care.

my teacher said: maybe they have to adapt with a new condition. they need to divide their time.

ok, i understood. i don't need their reply because of what i have done with them.

i just need a respect that i get before even it just a little. not a big care as a selfish person.

i try to understand. i have to understand maybe.

i just want everything's ok. simple but it'll really hard to prove it. (not a negative opinion, i have seen the truth)

and i realized consciously, everybody has changed as their wanted and also left anything behind them.

a move that not always good for everyone, but it always good for who has did.

dad's rule.

meeting someone who you love is like a big moment. long time no see. separate with time and distance. must communicate by virtual ways. missed that moment when he beside you and hold your hands. cheering up your mood. give his shoulder to be a place for your tears. his jealousy when you with someone else. his smile at everything happened in our moment. and a touch from your heart to my heart that none can do this like you do.

those were being my desires, my pleasure, and my biggest hope.

i'll never get all of those above. you know what?

my dad's rule. yeah, dad's rule. the head of family has told the rules to me with many comparison, many consideration about me and the best for me. oh hell about it, it's not the best for me. 

dad warned me to not meet him again. dad scared i'll cry, i'll fall down my tears because of him.

dad protected me as a kid. dad hates my action after i broke up.

dad wants my mood back as soon as possible. dad needs my real me not my acting.

thanks God i've a kindest dad. whatever dad does for me. i know dad loves me (:

but, i really want get back all of those things above. i missed him a lot.

fallin' again?

it's just a joke maybe. but sure, to be fallen again isn't a good decision for now.

i'm still willing about my past, hope it will repair my heart and will make me braver to start to love someone again or love the same person. but i know, i'm stuck on this condition.

btw, my friend told me last night: you must try to start a new relationship, minimally you try to open you heart for someone else who honest to you.

okok. she's caring, but with her statement. thanks a lot! :D

" wanna falling in love with you again. i don't have to try, it's so easy who needs pretend. because it's so funny! let's just think about it honey (: "

a cool lyric with a cool song - music - singer. (jason castro - let's just fall in love again. download!)

anw, i wanna pretend like i never know about and we start again from zero with a loyalty - an honest heart - a bunch of love - a pocket of care - a random thing between us - anything that can make us together.

but, it's also a joke man! it'll never be. i realize about it.